When I was 19, I had a friend, he was my best friend. We were sleeping together. Friends with benefits if you like. Everything was great, life had a golden tint to it, and I was happy and free. The friends with benefits thing was great it was like a relationship with out the commitment or baggage we just had fun.

The first time he assaulted me, I was asleep, he slid his hand down my pj shorts, he put his fingers inside me, and I woke up and asked what he was doing. He told me to "relax" he pulled my shorts down, pinned my hands to the bed and tried to put himself inside me, I shouted get off me and started wiggling about. He let go "you’re a fucking tease." A tease?? I was fast asleep. I remember thinking did I lead him on in any way, did I give him the wrong signals?? I decided not to bring it up with him, maybe I was just over reacting. We carried on as we were things went back to normal. Then one day I was sat on my bed, I was in agony with my belly, I was crying I've never felt pain like it. I led down, in my knickers and vest top because it was a roasting hot summers day.

He came up stairs and asked if I was okay, I was crying, I told him I was in pain, I couldn't move I asked him to get me a co-codamol and some water. In fact I begged him. He came over and started strikeout my thigh, again I asked what are you doing?? He parted my legs and ouch himself inside of me, I was in pain, I was dry. I was crying and asking him to stop. "I don't want this" he said to me stop crying. I couldn't. He threw me on to my front so he didn’t have to look at my "ugly crying face". After he had finished, he remains leaning over me, dropping his man juices all over my ass and back.

I was bleeding, I couldn't move, all I could do was sob. He immediately got on the phone to a mutual friend and asked for some painkillers, he got his pants on got in his car and in 5 mins was back with painkillers for me. I would have locked him out if I wasn't paralyzed with pain or shock. I just remember thinking "he's just fucking raped me, he raped me”. A day later I brought it up with him, after gas lighting me for an hour he finally apologized. I stopped seeing him after that.

This was 3 and a half years ago, my sisters still talk to him, we have mutual friends. I can't seem to shake him off. I wish I had the courage to tell the police, my sisters, our friends. But I'm still so ashamed and embarrassed. How could I let him do that to me? I know it's not my fault but I can't help but beat myself up about if I had been a bit more assertive, if I had walked away the first time maybe the rape wouldn't have happened. I can't even tell my boyfriend, even though it affects our sex life to this day. I hope one day I can get past this but for now the events are still so fresh in my mind.

Just want to tell my story

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