I dated this guy back in 2015 online. He lived in the UK and I reside in the US. He would constantly ask for nudes or for me to do sexual acts on camera for him. Every time I refused because it made me extremely uncomfortable (plus I was still a virgin at 18).

Every time he would get pissed off, yell at me, and belittle me for not doing it. It had gotten to the point that he also had his friends gang up on me and harass me. When I tried calling him out on it, he made it seem like I was the crazy one. The relationship didn’t last too long and he broke up with me because of it. When he did he told me I’d never be able to find someone who would love me if I didn’t please them sexually.

It was a bad time in my life emotionally. That was going on and I had severe depression and was dealing with an eating disorder. So when he said that I really took it to heart. Then comes my next boyfriend. I didn’t believe that he would actually feel anything for me because of what Matt did but I still tried for a relationship. This is when I lost my virginity. We’d have sex quite often, even though sometimes I wasn’t in the mood. I just thought well if I didn’t he’d get mad like Matt. The last time I had seen him we had sex before I went home. I (to this day) have a strict rule about using condoms.

We had lost the condom and didn’t have another one so I told him no. And we went back and forth with me saying no and him trying to tell me “Don’t worry I can pull out. That’s how I’ve always done it. You’ll be fine.” But I still refused because we didn’t have protection. As you can probably guess, we still had sex. After me still refusing endlessly, he still fucked me. A week later he broke up with me. I started thinking about what Matt said again. Turns out he had been using me for sex throughout the entire relationship while cheating too.

It left me having really bad panic attacks for weeks. I hate telling people about this. I always think I’m bothering people when I do because there is definitely others who have had way worse experiences with sexual assault and other domestic problems. It feels like people think I’m trying to seek attention. But to me it was traumatizing and has affected my dating life since.

E. Unruh