I’m sharing my story in hopes to help others speak up and know that someone is listening and cares. For almost 12 years I’ve failed to ever mention what had happened to me to any of my family members. I’m here to tell you not to shut down but to speak.
When I was about seven I remember constantly staying at my aunt’s house every night or other night. I was seven I didn’t know any better not was I old enough to even acknowledge what was going on. Although I only remember this happening once I can only imagine how many times it has happened before. Both me and my little brother use to sleep in my cousins room. I always closed the door, I could never sleep with a door open. It always scared because I thought a monster or someone would watch me sleep. On one particular night, I woke up to see that the hall light had been on.
I closed my eyes tight thinking my aunt was just making sure we had gone to sleep. A couple minutes later I hear the door open up a bit I opened my eyes a bit just to get a peek. It was him.... slowly he was lied towards my side and I felt him sit on the edge of the bed. I didn’t understand why but I just let it happen. I pretended to sleep. I felt a cold hand going up my pants, I felt his fingers going inside me and it was not pleasant at all, it went on for a couple of seconds, once he was done he smelled his hand. I was in shock I didn’t know what to do.
I wanted to scream I wanted to cry, But instead I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t say anything to nobody. This affected me both mentally and physically. Yet nobody realized this! I will admit gen though I fear too. After this incident had happened I remember becoming very sexual, I didn’t like it. I tried everything to stop myself from feeling like that! I always told myself to stay away from man and boys. I wouldn’t let nobody touch me not even my father! He didn’t understand why I was too scared to even give him a hug.
There were many times where I always questioned this. I didn’t understand why it was me. Why me? Why didn’t you do that to me? I was little innocent girl. A little girl who admired spending time with family, who loved the every weekend cookouts we had. I LOVED it, now I don’t. Now I’ve lost touch with my dad’s side of the family. I don’t ever go around much and it kills me because all of my family misses me, they always ask for me. I don’t want them to hate me, I don’t want them to think I don’t love them or admire the time and value of our family.
I’m speaking about my story to you guys cause it’s a little too late for my family to know what had happened and I am dying inside trying to tell someone! ANYONE. I grew up with so much anxiety and depression, I was too scared to date a guy because I was scared to think they would mistreat me or abuse me sexually. Ladies please speak up! Please know that there is help out there! I know most have gone through far beyond worse things, but staying quiet has an effect on your life. It tears you apart little by little. I carried this pain with me for the longest. When I know I shouldn’t have done that!
I was too scared to think that nobody would listen, and we should not think like that, how a man treats you is not what defines who you are, what defines you is the battle you fought to escape this reality of living hell! I am here to stand up for all of you! You are beautiful inside and out and I have faith you will get through this!