14 I lost my puppy fat and my best friends (at the time) boyfriend took an interest in me, this is the first time I had any sort of interest from a boy and I felt beautiful. We soon go together at the peril of me and my friend’s friendship, and that wasn't the only friendship this relationship would take.
Initially it felt great, soon the cheating allegations started (at an age of 25 I look back and wonder why I ever stayed around l, but it was a tender age) he lied to me and I believed him, discrepancies continues, but I continued to believe his lies and shun anyone who spoke against him. I am fiercely loyal and trustworthy to a fault.
Soon he became really controlling, he would take my phone and look through and scream at me for having other boys numbers. I was in school, and he used to forcefully take me to my classes and stand watch outside the classroom window.
One time he had me against a wall chocking me and a p.e teacher had to step in, but I played it down so I wouldn't get in trouble.
Soon I had no friends, everything was filtered through him. I was stuck, he used to take me to the top on the school and we used to have sex against my will but I used to submit because he would get angry and wouldn't let me go to classes if I never.
Soon the teacher started seeing I wasn't going to classes, I was saw as the problem and I was put on report.
It all came to a head one day when he was waiting outside my form class. I was shaking I didn't want to leave and a good friend of mine of was annoy and the same size as Alex stood in front of me and wouldn't let him near me, it broke out into a fight and a male teacher had to step in. Alex continued to start on the male teacher. I ran to the year heads office and refused to leave until my parents got there.
I thought I had overcome my demon, he was moved schools, but it only got started.
My mum and dad had phone calls that he would get people the gang rape me. I was driven to the doors of the school and picked up at the door.
After a month of this and silence from him I was allowed out with my friends again. He caught wind and found me. He beat me in front of all my friends and his, no one stood in, I punched him back and made his nose bloody, he took my phone and ran.
He knew if I didn't ring my parents at 8pm they would come looking, I was desperate to get my phone because I wanted my freedom back, I followed him and he told me he wanted sex and o could have it back. I submitted, he only gave it up because my dad found us in the lane with me pleading to have it back.
Solitude began again,
I needed protection, and I stumbled on a boy called Dan, he was big and wanted to protect me from Alex, I was elated someone cared for me so much.
He was a bigger image than Alex, at this time I was 16 and sitting GCSE's, he was emotionally abusive and I wasn't in any mind to recognize what was happening again, I just knew with Dan I was safe from Alex and he loved me.
Dan was jealous, jealous of me and my achievements, when I apply myself I can learn a great deal and he hated it. He was in competition with me and beat me down to believe I was to raise a family for him and take care of him only, he would emotionally bribe me, if I didn't care for him he would meet no up with Alex.
I fell pregnant, I knew it was a huge mistake. I had an abortion, I didn't tell my parents until they saw a bump, I went to the first appointment alone because Dan wouldn't come with me, and he argued my route to the hospital was too long.
My mum knew her daughter was hurting and was there when this baby fell from me, Dan didn't come that day as he was "unpacking wine from his dad's car"
I have gone on and gone on, I don't even feel like I have spoken about the darkest time and feel o have rambled. I feel ashamed that this has happened to me.
I went on to finish my GCSE's with 12 A-C grades, finished my Alevels with 3 A-C grades and am about the start an English degree.
I am haunted by my past, I met a wonderful man called Jason got married and had two children with him, I met him at 18, my abuse lasted 3/4 years and he was different in every way, how could I be so lucky.
Jason went through a huge depression 2 years ago and came out the other end resenting me and everything about me. I feel as low as I did back then.
I blame myself, I feel I am broken.
I am now a single mum of two children, I remain positive and happy, but I am weeping inside.
I want to raise my daughters to know their worth. To never allow themselves, even in a bad situation, to ever blame themselves for it.
I want to show them that even if you are pushed back you can push forward harder.