I have always been troubled, since I can remember, I never felt like I fit in. I had “dreams” of being touched in my bed by what I named big foots hand. I lost a portion of my hair around the same time... these dreams stopped when I plucked up the courage to touch the hand.... after that I never fit in... I was bullied. I looked for attention, soon as I hit my teens I lost my virginity to a 23 year old... was the start of a catastrophic story really. I went from one violent or toxic relationship to another. I had children in the process and they suffered for it too, I’m ashamed to say.
But the wakeup call came in the form of a man I got within 2012, the spark was there and all was amazing but soon as he didn’t get his own way he would smash up my house or photos I held dear... we would take drugs together and I embraced them because it numbed out my reality... he would ask for sex, if I declined he would smash up the bedroom and scare me into submission... he knocked me down one day and smashed four of my teeth... but he got me to change my statement and I took him back again... he separated me from all friends and family.. Made me his and his alone... I lost everything... including my kids and myself... the abuse only escalated... until May 2014... He totally lost it and the attack was so severe I ended up in hospital for 5 days and he in prison for a 20 month sentence... after that I worked hard to regain some self-respect... I met someone new and I got my kids back, apart from the one I had with him, I have permanent damage in my left eye and he damaged my vocal chords... I suffer with PTSD... but I will not give him the satisfaction of ruining my life again... I bumped into him in March last year and he smirked at me... he even went to approach me until he realized I wasn’t alone... that’s when I realized... o was never the problem... he is... he is the one with low self-esteem... he is the one who is jealous and has no self-value... so he attacked mine... he almost won and beat me, as there was a time I really wanted nothing more but to die... but he did me a favor in a sick way because he made me sit and evaluate my life... he made me appreciate my babies and see that their needs are greater than mine... I live for them now... and do o dare say I’m living for myself too... life may seem hopeless sometimes... but there is a light there and we are not here to be someone’s punch bag or sex toy! I’ve still a long way to go but I’m finally breathing fresh air now... I am living ♥️