I had a friend who I hadn’t known for a long time. He was male, the same age as me. 20-22.
I was living alone in my flat and it was around 3am, I had been chatting on and off with this friend all night, just casual conversation.
(He’d asked a good few hours earlier if he was my type and I told him no. I don’t see him like that. I’d just got out of a two year relationship and I only see him as a friend, and I apologized.)
As I said, the night went on. It was around 3am and he’d told me that he was at his mums... who lives just around the corner from my flat. He’d told me he was planning on walking back home to his house in a few minutes time, his home was a 2 hour walk away.
He’d told me he had work the next morning, which was just down the road from his mums.

So I offered for him to stay over, on my couch.
He accepted.

I walked the 5 minutes around the corner to meet him and we went back to my flat.
At this point, around half an hour had passed and I’d been sat on my bed the entire time, and he’d been sat at the end of my bed.
(Whenever anyone was round, male or female, we gravitated towards my bedroom, I didn’t really use the living room...It was the coldest room in the flat, with absolutely zero heating)

So I told him I wanted to go to sleep and he agreed that it was time to sleep.
I told him there’s a cover in the living room, so he proceeded to go into the living room whilst I turned my lights off and got into bed.

(I made a point of staying completely covered from head to toe, with my bra still on, a jumper, leggings and socks.
I’d usually change into pajamas but I thought I’d better not)

I closed my eyes and fell asleep for about an hour, then I heard him coming from my living room into my room, the hall wasn’t long at all so it was a short journey.
He didn’t say anything...
He started taking his clothes off, right down to his boxers...
At this point I was still pretending to sleep but also peaking at the same time, I could see what he was doing because of the light from the hallway shining onto him in my doorway.

...he got into my bed...
I’m still pretending to sleep and at this point I’m literally thinking ‘what the fuck’
All that was going through my mind was that he was hoping I’d like him if I accidentally cuddled him during the night or something... I was thinking he’s a weirdo, but I wasn’t thinking he was dangerous.

And then I felt it.

He’d lifted my leggings up from my stomach and put his hand down my pants.
Then down my underwear.
Then I felt his fingers rubbing me.

He must’ve thought I liked it, because I wasn’t dry down there. Which was a result of a new contraceptive.

All of this time...I was still ‘asleep’ to him.

Then I felt his fingers go inside me, back and forth for what felt like half an hour...
And it wasn’t just that it felt like half an hour, it was around that period of time because the sky outside had started to get slightly light.

I was frozen. Literally frozen. I couldn’t move whatsoever.
The only noise I could make was a sort of smacking of the lips to SHOW HIM I’m still asleep. And stirring for about 3 seconds, like you do in your sleep...it had no effect.
I wanted to scream, and trust me I’m the type to tell a guy to back the fuck off if I don’t like what he’s doing... but he still had his fingers inside me.

And then... he started to kiss my ear.
And breathe heavily down it...like he was touching himself...
I’m not saying he was, I don’t know if he was, I was just focused on what he was doing to me.
But we all know what a pleasured guys breathing sounds like.
It was that.

And then... when I thought he was stopping because he took his hand out of my pants, I felt his leg lean onto me.
As if he was getting on top of me.

Then his alarm went off. For work.
He got dressed and ‘woke me up’
I literally acted like everything was normal. Like nothing had happened.

He asked me to walk him to the bus (across from my flat)
so I put on my shoes and waited with him. We didn’t talk...
He thanked me for allowing him to stay as he seen the bus approaching.
I smiled and told him I’ll get on with him, because I had to go into town early anyway...
I didn’t.
I just wanted to make sure he was away from my flat.
For good.
As far as I can remember, I told him I’d be out all weekend. I wouldn’t be home.
Just so he’d known to not come around or ask to come around, if he dared...

He got off and waved. I put my head down and waited until the bus got to the switching stations and got the bus back home.

Still to this day I hate telling this story, not because of what it makes me feel, but because I feel like people blame me.
I invited him and I got on the bus with him the next day.

I was being a friend, not wanting anyone to walk 2 hours at 3am in a roughish area.
I was being cautious by staying clothed from head to toe.
I was being safe by making sure he was away from my flat.

He never said ANYTHING about what had happened.
He inboxes me a day later and I ignored him. It was only a ‘hey’
and then ‘hello?’
‘Why are you ignoring me’
and then I blocked him.

STILL TO THIS DAY, he doesn’t know that I know what he did.
I called a women’s protection that night and the Samaritans...
I’ve tried therapy and medication. I’ve tried overdosing and hanging myself. I’ve tried scrubbing myself in the shower until I’m raw and it did nothing.

Only time will make it better, I still cry when I think about how dirty he made me feel and how violated I am.

Want to know why I didn’t report him? Because he has a one or so (maybe younger at the time) daughter.
I don’t want to take her father away, because she did nothing wrong.
Even if he is disgusting and vile.

That’s my story.