I don’t where to start this is my first time doing this so ummm it’s still very weird for me to say this but I went to an abusive childhood I was not only sexually abused but also raped by my driver while I was only a child. It started when I was in the 5th grade and I used to go tuition like a lot and during that time sometimes I would wait for my brother after my tuition cause he would get off 15 mins later and that’s when the driver started to touch me he just went on doing this and at that age I wasn’t really told about such thing like sexual abuse, sex or anything cause it was a taboo in my society so I didn’t what was going on while he slipped his hand in my pant when on stroking my hair while he rubbed my chest and all such shit and I felt so disgusted that I wanted to die I just wanted to die like I didn’t know what’s going on but I felt so disgusting I wanted to kill myself. This continued for two years I never told my parents because I was too scared I felt it was my mistake and still do and I feel as if I tell my parents they will disown me hate me and would blame me and that disgusting man had filled my heart with so much fear I couldn’t do anything I was helpless I was useless I cried myself every night to sleep when my siblings would be sleeping I prayed to God to forgive me and not hate me and I felt so disgusted I can’t describe that feeling at times I would try to stop the guy but then he would get angry and start hurting me like twist my hair slap me pull my hair it would hurt me and he was doing this to a child. One day while this was going on I was in my room and my sis was in the other room studying and I was watching tv my parents weren’t home cause both go on a job and brother was playing outside and my parents in a way trusted at the driver to take care of the house so what he did he sneaked in my room while my sister was in the other one and slapped me pushed me on the bed took off my clothes and raped me. I knew what was going on I didn’t make a sound and why cause I didn’t want my sis to walk on this to see her sis being raped and I knew that disgusting man would have raped my sis too and killed her if she would have intervened so I started quiet while he raped a 10 year old. Afterwards I was alone I was in shock I didn’t cry but I was in pain every part of my body was literally burning I had rashes and scars all over my body I went in the bathroom washed myself wore clothes and composed myself. I wasn’t dumb at that age after suffering for two years I knew what happened and I erased all signs of me being raped and in the end after doing that I sat and watched tv again and my thighs still burned and tears rolled down my eyes I still rem this so clearly. Right now I’m 15 and I’m been through so much more cause of being raped I hated my body and I was always stressed out so I over ate and become overweight I was bullied for that people called me transgender cow pig elephant and so much more and these happens between 7 and 8 grade and then I developed an eating disorder and starved myself that I would eat anything the whole day except an apple and a cup of tea soon I lost 30 kg in a month or less and I didn’t have any friends to be honest I did have friend but they would use me by bullying me in front of the boys to get their attention that hey we are just as cool as u and in the end I became so insecure of myself that I barely eat anything now. I never told my story to anyone my family is still clueless to what happened to me and I was totally ignored what happened to me I made myself believe that I was never sexually abused or raped because I knew if I would deal with this issue at my age at the age where I don’t properly know myself I would not only destroy myself and my future but also my family in the end suicidal thoughts never came to me but I do hurt myself a lot by a knife or anything sharp to remind me that pain happens daily in life and u have to deal with it and something that my life and existence depends on is that I deserve a better future I deserve a future in which I’m successful I have a family and I protect my child from horrors I couldn’t protect myself and my life on depend on grades academics college anything that assures that I have a better future but I fear and I know this is true that one day when I’ll achieve this and I’ll be an adult the horrors I faced while I was a child will hit me hard and may end me.