I’ve been a victim of all sorts of abuse since I was 3 years old. The first time I came out about it I was 13, and fessed up to being molested I then learned
It’s a very repetitive thing by others from
15-19 Years of age. Those I
Could over come I knew I could no longer be touched if I asked for help. But, the hardest thing I ever dealt
With was my ex. How do you ask for help when it’s someone you love and is suppose to love you back.
I always told myself I wouldn’t be one of those women who made excuses. He was mentally abusive to extremes. 2 pregnancy losses in the last year of that relationship. On a daily I would be called a Whore, disappointment, everything you could Imagine. Having to send pictures of where I was. Even if I was out for dinner with my parents.
The last pregnancy i also lost my grandmother: the two combined was a major toll on me. So I became
Depressed, and distant o everyone. We had broken up and I was desperate to have him back.
Obsessive and couldn’t live without him. He stouped to a level I never thought he would. He had his new ladies message me, telling me I wasn’t a real enough
Woman for him. Telling to end it now. Sending
Me my nudes I would take for him while being
With him to try and make him happy. As a result
I lost my job and moved back home to
My Parents. This went on for 5 Years with his abuse.
My mother had a hunch, but I was always in denial he was bad for me and cling on to him to try and prove everyone wrong. When I moved home I finally asked
For help. I had suicidal thoughts and stood in the kitchen with a knife to my wrist and tears in my
Eyes quietly sobbing so my father who was in the living room watching tv couldn’t stop me. I wished so much That my ex would love me and be with me. Asked why he would treat me so badly and didn’t respect me. Memories of his tantrums because i didn’t want to have sex with him. Guilting me into letting him penetrate me while I cried. Then I thought of my parents, the guilt my father would have finding me dead on the floor. Wondering why I couldn’t go to him when I felt so bad.
So I went back to my room, my mom got up and came and talked to me to
Check up on me. I remember just crying and asking her to help me. And spilling out how I felt desperate to make
The pain go away.
My family are the ones that helped me, they surrounded me with love and kept close eyes on me to help me make my way back to the woman I use
To be. I lost all hope on ever finding a loving man in this world. It has taken me 2 Years to finally be okay with dating. I still have my doubts and paranoia. But the man I’m with now shows me what it’s like to be loved, doesnt lay a hand on me, doesn’t call me out of my name or force me to have sex when I’m not up to it. This man is the one who wants to hold me and cry knowing when I react a certain way or assume he will hurt me because I have been conditioned by a not so loving hand and words. Everyday I fight my fears from that relationship and strive to be a better woman.