Dear ******

This isn’t a break up letter,this isn’t a get back together letter I don’t know what the fuck this is or why I’m writing it I really don’t I just needed you. Still after EVERYTHING you’ve put me through I needed you.its pathetic I know but I don’t know what I’m trying to get out of telling you any of this or what it will change,probably nothing I just needed to do it for my own sake. I stayed with you for so long through all the bullshit because I was torn between not giving up on the person I loved or coming to terms with the fact that the person I once loved no longer existed in the person I was looking at everyday do you know how many nights I’ve stayed up laying there wishing I could open my eyes and just ‘unlove’ you. I know it doesn’t work like that because I still do,part of me always will I’d lie there thinking about all the times I’ve ran back just to be running away again the week after I think about everything you said and everything we both did to get us to the point where at now.The point where no matter how much I want to I physically and mentally can’t take doing it again. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results each time and that’s exactly what I was doing I was driving myself insane because I couldn’t bare to leave you or see you change for someone else after me putting 4 Year’s of my life into trying to get you to do it.maybe some stuff down the line was compltley my fault and I know your mum likes to state to people that “where both as bad as each other” but that’s not true I didn’t hit you I didn’t pull your hair I didn’t kick you or punch you or slap you I didn’t make you feel scared in your own house or scared walking down the street scared waking up every fucking morning wondering what mood you where in today and if I was gonna have to deal with whatever else had put you in that mood. I didn’t make you feel bad about yourself I didn’t make you loose all your confidence I didn’t make you feel like life without you weren’t life or home without you weren’t home.ive tried my fucking best and I’ve still got absolutely nowhere. Do you ever think about the times I was crying begging you to stop hitting me? Do you ever think about the times we’d be laying in bed watching something and just out the blue I’d cry and wouldn’t be able to stop for no apparent reason? It was like I was watching myself dying in a film and I couldn’t couldn’t pull myself out of it or scream or save myself in any way and that was all down to you. Nothing I did was an excuse to make you do everything you did every broken bone every broken phone every bruise every cut every word slowly and slowly I felt like I was watching myself die and For a long time I thought that the sinking feeling in my chest every time I was with you was because I loved you that much and maybe it was but I later realised I get the same sinking feeling in my chest when I’m scared or when I’m panicking witch makes me think when did I start being more scared of you than I loved you?? Why did I and still do make excuses for who you are and what you did?? You know I actually laugh about it some days how sad is that I make fucking jokes out of the fact you used to beat the shit out of me until I couldn’t move, it’s one of those situations you either have to laugh or cry. Then I think nobody takes me seriously about what you do to me anymore because I make jokes about it but it’s the only way I can deal with it. Did you know that 2 women a week die of there boyfriends hitting them?? And the ones that don’t die from being hit end up killing them selves anyway?? As much as your probably reading this thinking I’m over reacting or I’m making this a big thing when it’s not but it fucking is who does that to someone they love?? I’m not gonna ask you why because i know you don’t know how to answer that question just why I never asked you why you slept with N or M or A or K or T I always wondered how you could come home from being 100 miles away where you had been sleeping with someone for weeks and hit your pregnant girlfriend over someone she didn’t know liking her picture how the fuck do you justify that ???Where the fuck is the logic in anything you ever did to me and then when I decide to leave I’m this and that worst person ever your gonna hit me smash the house up get me sacked make me have no mates or whatever but I’ve come to realise the main reason I didn’t leave you was because I didn’t want you to be with anyone else I didn’t want u to smash anyone’s house up or mine or hit me or get me sacked but then it clicked you threaten to do all of this every day twice a day so it was going to happen weather we where together or not so it was down to me to make a decision and I made it and you still have the audacity to ask me why?? Or tell me I’m horrible or threaten me after everything you did you have to ask me why I’m leaving you??? I don’t want to I really don’t I wish that you hadn’t done anything you’ve done and I could wake up and all of that would of just been a nightmare n we will be in bed happy with our baby and none of this had happened but it did and neither of us can hangs that it’s what we do about it now that determines weather it’s going to make or break us A little boys whole future depends on every move we make how he’s gonna act how he’s gonna talk how he treats his girlfriend when he grows up all depends on us and do you think us together is going to be able to give him what he needs to grow up and be a normal happy person?? Because what did it do to you growing up in an eviroment like that? Or your brother it ruined you both and I’m sorry but I’m not about to let this ruin My son as well. Maybe right down the line to the very start this is all your mums fault for letting your dad do what he did and she let him back in and she let use see them fight so maybe the way you are now can be blamed on her. I don’t want Jacob to look back and blame me for letting you back in. He’s too young to Realise now but if he gets older and finds out or sees you do any of that he’ll hate you and I don’t want that to happen but he will we need to quit while we are ahead and at least give him half a chance of never having the memory of his mummy crying because his daddy’s hurting her again. It takes 1 wrong punch too hard or in the wrong place and you could kill me and then what he looses us both do you really want to risk that happening?? Cause I know that’s a risk I physically can’t take the thought of him crying for me and I’m not there makes me want to vomit. And this can either end two ways if we tried to make this work again because your never gonna change what you do because you can’t change someone who doesn’t see a wrong in what they’re doing so we can either carry on like this and you’ll end up killing me? Or I’ll kill myself take your choice?? Does either of them sound better than just not being together for the baby’s sake he needs us both I know deep down somewhere you can bring yourself to move on and leave me alone for your sons sake I’m not asking from me I’m asking from him he doesn’t deserve this he really doesn’t. 3:05am I’ve litterly just realised that I can’t do anything by myself because of you,I don’t know how to sleep by myself that’s why I’m constantly up all night I stay in all day every day because I don’t know how to go out by myself maybe I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t live my life without somebody telling me what to do I don’t do anything or try anything or say anything because your not here to tell me weather it’s right or wrong, I’m so ducking tired of being pissed off all the time but what am I pissed off at?? My mum your mum your brother my sister everyone else in the world apart from the only person I should be, I’m taking all my anger out on the wrong people because you fucking trained me that way you’ve spent 4 years trying to make me see that it’s everyone else around us that’s ducked up and your just normal it’s everyone else’s fault the way you are but it was never yours... it was never your fault and I don’t know if I’ll ever hate you I wish I did but I just can’t see that happening I love you with every last breath in my body and I don’t know how I’m gonna ever come back from this. You see girls who get out of abusive relationships and they thrive from it they only get better and do better and become better people but I don’t think That’s how thats is going to work for me I’d have to be a completely different person because I’m not me without you every plan I’ve made for the future involves you so now I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do with myself. Nights like these I sit up and think if I killed myself that’s what would make it all stop but then you win and my poor baby looses and that’s not fair but THAT is the only thing keeping me holding on to this shitty life I’ve made myself it’s possible I was broken long before I met you and somehow I thought that you where fixing me but you weren’t you where slowly and slowly wearing me down until I managed to feel like Im already dead.i don’t feel anything and I should but I don’t I’m coming to the end of this letter and I’ve realised what it is,this isn’t a break up letter this isn’t a get back together letter it’s a goodbye letter I’m saying goodbye I’m not really sure what kind of goodbye it is weather it’s forever or weather our paths will cross one day when we’re both happy and we’ll be able to be happy for each other knowing that we did everything we could but everyone isn’t for everyone And you and me weren’t meant for each other