I was raped by my ex boyfriend. He wouldn’t let me freely say no to sex. His fits of rage frightened me. He told me ‘no means no’ is stupid. I would beg him not be angry, scared for what might happen to me but more so what he may do to himself. He had a few mental illnesses and always blamed his actions and anger on them. But there was nothing he could apparently do because that’s just who he was. He once implied that he’d kill himself because I said no. I was so frightened, I didn’t want to be responsible for that. The worst incident was when I was at his mams house, it was a bright afternoon and we were in the living room. We were lying on the settee and he had a duvet. He pulled it over and started to fondle me. I told him ‘No, we can’t do this here’ he didn’t have anything to say and he put it inside me anyway so quickly. I was shocked. I didn’t want to love or make a sound. He just held it there. People were walking in and out and to make it worse his 7 year old sister and 2 year old brother were in the room playing. It just looked like we were spooning but we weren’t. His little sister even asked if she could join in on the cuddles. I just stared at her wide eyed until he said ‘Not now’. There was no movement he just held it there. To her it just looked like we were spooning. But we weren’t. He finished and then got up when no one was in the room. He told me to get up and go the bathroom where he had sex with me again.

I reported my abuse to the police two years ago. He was charged with two accounts of rape and I was going to court. Everything was looking up. 3 weeks before my case was due in court my police officer apologised and gave me a letter. The case had been cancelled. Apparently there was not enough evidence and the uncertainty of a conviction wasn’t worth the money of the trial. I was heartbroken.

I’ve been compensated through a criminal victim compensation scheme but it’s just money. It’ll help me move on with my life but I’d give it all back just to get a conviction. Ps: if my ex comes across this, fuck you.