My story begins on a summer night, warm and full of surprises.
What saddens me as I write this, is that I had to choose between all of my stories- there are so many, too many times of abuse, assault and molestation to write here, so I'm choosing the most recent.
So, this warm night I decided to go hang out with a friend of mine at her home. I planned on watching a movie, eating pizza and chatting.
Young, wild and preciously free, a movie night ended up with me becoming bored. My friend, we'll call her Sam, went to bed early leaving me alone and well, bored. Id had enough, noticed two large bottles of alcohol in the fridge, and decided to phone a couple friends.
Two boys, barely out of their teens, young men I'd known most of my childhood, friends of my brother, guys I trusted. I invited them over to cure the problem, the inherent boredom I was facing. Of course, only to hang out, I had no previous sexual feelings about either of these men and hadn't shaved in weeks, haha. Probably only women will know why that has any relevance, but it does.
Two bottles, clinking on the concrete in the garage as we three passed them around. Guy number one, we'll call him Milo, is already a little tipsy, he has a game on his phone-a drinking game. I already know, just from being around Milo that he is a total player. He loves women, and they love him. Hes always prepared, the kind of guy who keeps condoms in his wallet. You know the type.
Guy number two, let's call him Bobby.
Bobby is sweet natured, he doesn't expect or want anything from anyone. Hes a good friend, funny and intelligent. He takes you out on dates, buys roses, chocolates and sends funny texts all day. Absolutely a great guy, the one you take home to meet your mother.
The night stretches on and the two alcohol bottles are nearly empty.
I can't stand, I can't even see at this point. I'm drunk, and so are they.
But, I'm more than drunk. I'm not even aware of my surroundings, I am not even awake.
Milo and Bobby put me in the middle of them and wrap their arms around my shoulders. They proceed to move me to their vehicle, dumping me in the backseat like a sack of dirt. The car moves, I know I'm going somewhere now but I cannot open my eyes. I can't move my body. The doors open. I am thrown on the gravel in the middle of a street and hoisted on my knees by either Milo or Bobby, at this point I don't know. All I know is I can't see, move or feel any emotion. No fear, no anxiety, nothing. Just flat.
The gravel, rocks and dirt scrape over my knees, over and over again.
The flesh is tearing as these men fumble around behind me.

Soon its over. I've already passed out by the time I'm tossed in the front seat and urinating all over myself and Milos car.

I don't know what's going on.

I'm told several days later that the guys dropped me in the backdoor of Sam's home, with my panties gone and my pants around my ankles.
I was given a bath, as I was unconscious and defecting on myself.
911 was called.

My memory was gone from that night for approximately three weeks.
Maybe it was suppression but I'll never really know more than what I remember.
It's been over a year and I struggled with disgust, horror and fear. I thought to apologize for telling the police a dozen times, to text these men and take the blame for anything that happened because I have been taught it is a woman's fault. Always your fault for making the men around you, want you.

My choices that night were less than admirable. I chose to invite men over. I chose to get shit faced drunk AND I chose not to alert my friend they were there.
However, I did not choose to be bent over on gravel and penetrated against my conscious will.
I was raped.
I was raped.
I am not the only one.