Your story could be the key that unlocks someone else’s prison. Don’t be afraid to share it.
That quote has been haunting me for weeks now.
A very “small” snippet of parts of mine is in the comments. ...not for sympathy or to air my dirty laundry, or to say anything bad or mean about anyone. It is the truth. It is my life. it is a way to let people, who may have noticed a change in me, or wonder where I have been, etc. a little glimpse and an apology really for my increasing isolation the last while. And to those that may think I’m weird lately when it looks like I’m basically a crumpling mess a one off explanation so I can just get it all out at once rather than relive it over and over telling people as I Go...and maybe, the more people that are aware, the more people can help me realize this is the best thing for me and the boys and help me stop crying that my marriage is over and remind me that it never really was. Love isn’t supposed to be like this.
Have you ever been so in love with someone from the moment you met and been so “sure”. The way you felt about them took your breath away. They were everything. They made you feel like you were everything. You would do and did everything for that person. Including giving up yourself. Have you ever been so wrong and let down and destroyed in every physical and mental way that you didn’t know how to pick yourself up? That even a trip to the grocery store or a hair cut or going to work was too much? That the pain was more than just a feeling. It was physical and all consuming and took everything out of you
Have you ever been abused by your husband? Were you cheated on for years and when you confront him with a little evidence he called you crazy and many other very ugly names? Did he kick you in the back on your honeymoon, or throw you off the bed while pregnant because he didn’t want you in “his” bed? Have you ever had a 2nd trimester miscarriage and wondered if it had something to do with the way you were treated? you did get a trip to disneyworld, so you shouldn’t complain. Did your husband later tell you he was glad the baby died? That should be enough. Do you know how that felt? To see the look on his face when someone says that?
Has he ever told you that everyone, including both his and your family and friends hate you because you are crazy or other random things or only talk to you when they need something or have your husband say negative things about anyone and everyone so you just stop talking to them so he has nothing bad to say about them? To the point you are completely isolated? Where even the most basic social interaction has you worried you said something to make you look or sound silly or weird? So you just avoid talking. Have you ever been raped by your husband?
Have you ever been told, while watching a movie that the engraving on the inside of your husband’s wedding ring, that you worked so hard to get, is embarrassing? Have you ever been sitting at the table making a grocery list and your husband comes into the kitchen for water while your little one sits on the couch and been told that your husband just wishes you would kill yourself? There wasn’t even a fight going on - this was a “good” day.
Have you ever been called names or treated so poorly in the disguise of a “joke” in front of your kids and friends and family and no one realizes the pain it is causing as it really isn’t a joke? He knows it isn’t, you know it isn’t, but everyone thinks he is so witty? Has he then used this laughter later in a fight to remind you how people laugh at you? That everyone agrees with him how stupid or crazy or ridiculous or whatever the case may be you are? Even though they thought it was a funny joke - he turns it into that.
Have you ever been told by your husband that he wished “this baby died too” while almost ready to have your rainbow baby? His name is Kellan.
Have you ever tried to bring anything up with your husband and no matter what - it’s your fault and he twists your words?
Has your husband ever spit on you or smashed your phone or thrown artwork off the wall or kicked the table by the door and smashed it “accidentally”?
Has your husband and his mother taken your baby, despite telling your mother in law to back off and, when you grab your husband by the shoulder and scream “give me back my baby” he puts the baby down, turns to you and throws you down and everything goes black? Black. Then you lie to the doctor and chiropractor and your coworkers and friends and family about the pain and why you have a heating pad and can’t barely walk because you are in pain for months? Has your husband then come back to “apologize” only to explain that he had to do that? Have you ever been hit or raped or physically, emotionally and financially abused because of something you did? As a means to “protect” you?
Have you ever been screamed at and called names and pushed and punched in the face by your husband in front of your child, and then told his “escalations” are because he can’t talk? Has he turned situations on you as though you were the irrational one at times when you finally do react? Have you ever been treated like nothing for months on end by your husband in person, but when out with people he seems pretty good?
Have you ever, with your child in the back seat - been called names and screamed at for 3 hours straight while you calmly tell them you love them and agree with whatever they are saying trying to do anything to de- escalate the situation because you are so afraid? Because you are watching him in this rage and you really cannot understand half the stuff he is saying because it isn’t you at all he is describing and he thinks it is, and the words and the anger and everything is so so intense and you know this is a very dangerous spot to be in. Then when you do say something, calmly about an incident, Have you ever had your husband turn to you in the vehicle, with your child in the back and scream and point at you with both hands to the point you are so afraid he forgot he was driving and that he was going to hit you and that he was going to kill you all? Kill you all.
Have you ever been so emotionally, physically, sexually, and financially abused you feel like nothing?
Have you ever watched your husband treat your kids terribly and physically and emotionally abuse them? Have you ever had your older son react so strongly and fall so far that he hates himself and the world because of the constant shit he gets from your husband? And your husband has brainwashed you into thinking the problems are yours and your son’s?
Have you ever seen your older son with a black eye because of your husband’s “escalations” (his word for violence, he never puts into words what he has done). But you were on a trip “he” paid for, so we all need to be more grateful and do and feel as he says or we deserve this.
Do you have to see your youngest look to him with uncertainty and beg for attention over a cell phone? Do you have to hear him stutter and be called mama’s boy because he likes to snuggle with you? And you know the same pattern is going to happen with this one as the older one only it will be worse as the little one has nowhere else to run if You don’t leave.
Has your husband ever gone over a month without asking how The little one is or talking to him on facetime while he is at work - but every time you are fighting, or he thinks you are going to leave and the relationship is in trouble - he’s all of a sudden got perfect internet and can talk whenever he wants and demands constant calls in order to look good and use your child as a weapon?
Has your husband ever apologized to you - but you never feel like it was an apology? More of you being blamed for something he did with the word “sorry” in front? And a lot of the apologies were in the form of trips and jewelry - things that never helped you feel better about the situation - actually kind of worse? There isn’t a trip or good thing according to other people’s eyes that doesn’t have a horrible secret. Not one. And has your husband, if you ever confronted him on that, or anything, reverted to the name calling and stonewalling until YOU are begging for forgiveness? Even after he hits you? He wants to talk it out - he tells you he never gets to talk - he is always talking. The reason he feels that way is if you are not agreeing with him no matter what he says and does - he has to keep talking and berating you until you do.
Look at how he talks to and about people. Look at how he denies everything and has a “reason” or it’s somehow someone else’s fault.
Does your husband have a history of abusing other women and when you found out he said it was an accident, and now, you see everything he did to you was an accident or your fault too? Have you had people support your husband and his claims and letting him call you names and minimizing his cheating and abuse and actions, not to just you, but to others, and laughing at his scary opinions about women, and choosing not to believe you or his other girlfriends?
do you know what it is like to live in fear of constant emotional, physical and financial assaults? This is not a matter of your husband and You not being good for each other. I have been going to counselling alone when he refused to go to couples counselling to work on me and us, but nothing is or will ever be enough for him. I’m only learning that he has a lot of work to do and because he won’t, there’s nothing to save. Every hoop you jump through causes the next jump you are expected to take higher.
I could never be enough. His abuse was getting worse by the day. I could not let The little one be treated like that or see his dad treat me like that anymore. I had to do something for my older one. I begged him to get help and to talk to me and told him i loved him and wanted to work on things. He told me he hated me. Said I avoided him. Said this was my fault. I obviously wasn’t perfect. but no one deserves to be treated this way.
None of his actions and words were justifiable for any reason.
He went out each night he sent texts asking me to talk during our last few days. What he says in writing and what he does are very different. He is (is, not acts) cruel and mean and entitled and doesn’t care what he does to people or who he hurts. I love him and I shouldn’t and he needs help.
He didn’t get arrested the last time because the girl was crazy. He didn’t get arrested and charged this time because I am crazy.
I’m a person. I didn’t deserve any of this. My kids don’t deserve this. Nobody does.
Why did I stay? Because I believed in him and us. I believed we could work together. Because I love him. So much. I’m learning a word called “trauma bonding”, similar to Stockholm syndrome and battered wives syndrome, apparently that may be the real explanation. I don’t know. I never thought that this was all a game to him and that he was enjoying this control he had over all of us. I wanted to believe he was good inside.
I was also afraid. I tried to leave a few times, but he’d cut off any access I had to money. Remind me that I had no friends and family. Come at me from all angles demanding responses and answers and major decisions and the like without giving me a chance to breathe. Even hold the phone out to me telling me to call someone for help and then laugh and laugh saying “oh right, you have no one”. Have his mom coming over and calling extra. Using anyone and everyone (hopefully) without their knowledge to harass and control and manipulate me. Demanding facetime when he never cared before. If you’ve ever been in a relationship where you are aware that you shouldn’f disagree, shouldn’t do something he doesn’t like or not do something he wanted, maybe you’ll get it.
Why should I be living in shame? Why should I be afraid to tell my story to protect him? Why should I increase my isolation and hide and stay off facebook and pinterest and in my house afraid of going anywhere?
I didn’t do anything wrong but live in this mess and do everything to try and keep our family together.
He treated me and our entire family and home like garbage unless he needed or wanted something for years.
He told me over and over again he wanted a divorce. That he hated me.
He should be ashamed.
I did not deserve this. My kids did not deserve this.
The above was just a brief note I wrote to share with my friends and family who knew nothing. Since the separation, it has been almost 2 full months of no- contact, I have been told I have PTSD and my youngest son has regressed and his stuttering has gotten to the point where we think he has it too. Woth that being said, I noticed today it seems like it is getting a wee bit better again. It seems worse when he is talking to adults. I thought I was protecting my kids and wanted out, but thought I could love them enough to protect them from my husband.
I was wrong. There is nothing that will ever prepare you for these feelings - screaming in agony into a towel because of the pain your life and your husband caused your kids. Again, I’m not perfect - I reacted at times for sure too! However, we did not deserve the daily torment he subjected us too.
There is so much more to this, but this is a start. I start the PTSD treatment soon and I fear what else I forgot.
Anonymous