I don't tell people this detail very often, but the day I was sexually assaulted was the day we celebrated my sister's 16th birthday. After the celebration, I drove myself to my abuser's house. On the drive I felt uneasy and nauseas, and I didn't understand why. Now however, I think that my body was attempting to telling me to turn the car around and go back home.
The first thing I noticed when I walked inside the house was the neon green paint wallpaper and a gun sitting nonchalantly on his bookshelf. He greeted me and walked me to the kitchen. He smelled like sweat, rum and coke, and cigarettes. I looked to my left toward the kitchen table because it reminded me of one we ate off of in my childhood home but again, contrasted in front of the neon green wall was a syringe and some stuff beside it that I couldn't identify from where I was standing.
Now - this is the first time I froze. I think my body knew I was in danger but I couldn't find the words to get myself out of there. This is also the first time he acknowledges my discomfort. He offered me a drink, and I decline. After scoffing he says, "not even water?" I say, "ok I guess I'll have water."
It looks like he's going to get me the water I didn't even want, but he turns around and walks back toward me and forcefully kisses me. I remember trying to pull away, but he pulled me closer and kissed me harder. He releases his grip and says, "now you can relax." I was far from relaxed. I could taste the sweat, rum and coke, and cigarettes as he really walked away this time.
He gave me the water and we sat on his couch with the gun supervising the entire encounter. After small talk, he tries to put his hand in my underwear. He comes close to my ear and says, "I'm going to make you squirt." I can't move, and I can't speak even though I know this is wrong and I want to leave.
I don't know how long this lasts, but after a while he takes out his penis and tries to put it inside of me. I find an excuse and some courage to say, "I can't have sex without a condom" and use my hand to physically block him from entering me. He gets upset and I get scared. He walks away and gets a card that says the last time he got check (dated two months earlier). I don't know what to say so I choke back tears and hope it ends soon. My body is no longer mine.
He didn't let me leave. He changed the sheets, put on some dumb movie (that I can't watch again because I get a panic attack during the opening credits) and cuddled me. I waited until he started snoring before I felt comfortable to leave. I tried to drive myself home, but I couldn't turn onto my street. Instead, I drove to my best friend's house where she held me while I cried myself to sleep. The next morning, I went to work.