When I was 17, I lost a child. my heart was broken, and a friend was there for support. the friend turned to love and when I thought I would never be happy again, my heart felt whole again for the first time since losing baby. It was almost too good to be true, I'd never been in love like it.

but things changed when he started drinking every day. The person he became, wasn't the person I fell in love with. The man I fell in love with, call him F, was kind, and sweet, and caring. but whoever he became was manipulating, sociopathetic and violent.

first, he got in my head. he thought of the top 4 things that hurt me. My weight, losing the baby, blaming myself for my parents divorce, and previously being in hospital for mental illness. he took them things, and would constantly make it hurt more. calling me fat, blatantly putting diet pills in my food and laughing when I find them. Telling me he 'doesn't care' for the fact I lost a child, refusing to talk about it, and telling me if he ever got me pregnant he would make me have an abortion. telling me it was MY fault for my parents divorce, that I shouldn't have told my mum my dad was having an affair. and finally, telling me I belong back in a psych house, I'm crazy, or I should try to commit again.

Two months go by of this, and I remember the first time I was scared to be with him, actually scared for my life. If someone loves you, shouldn't you feel safe?
We were having a nice night, his dad was away and he has a big house. his dad had guns in a gun safe and he was showing them to me. he let me hold it, then I gave it back to him. he started to aim it around the room, and then at me. I pushed it away, and he put it back. he pushed me to the bed, and pinned me down with the gun to my head. he was a lot stronger than me, but the fear literally made me freeze. I didn't know if it was loaded or not, but he was laughing. laughing at me being so terrified of him, and the power he held in that moment. this was the first time, but there was so many more afterwards.

the plate. we had a fight. because his mum was coming home early from her holiday and he wanted to have a party. he was getting angry and snapping at everyone, but then within five minutes it was a screaming match. so he frisbees a plate in anger, which hit our friend A on her head.

sex wasn't so good. it was great at the start, but the more I was scared of him, the more I didn't want to do anything with him. but as you may all guess, that wasn't an option. if he wanted to, it was happening. granted would only occasionally put up a bit of a fight, but he wouldn't take no for an answer, and if he did there would be an argument after.

I remember the time I woke up to him having sex with me. it was about 5am and I had work at 10. he was behind me, whilst I was asleep. I don't know how long he had been going for before I work up, but he didn't even stop once I was awake. he kept going.

he would beg me to have a threesome with him and his friend, D. he was lovely and attractive but I said no, I wasn't comfortable with it and D said he agreed with me. so F invited him round and got us both drunk, then proceeded to persuade us to have a threesome, telling me I don't love him if I don't do it.

so i snapped. in an argument, I screamed at him 'why are you doing this'. so far, I had been living with everything he had been doing. no questioning it. he laughed again. I asked him why I was still with him. and he told me 'no one will believe you, and you can't find anyone else that will ever want to me with you'.

then he locked his door when I threatened to leave, and hid the key. he took my phone, he took my shoes, he took me.
3am, D turns up at the door. I was texting him in the argument, and he was worried when I stopped replying. He knew what F was like just as much as I did. D would often stick up for me when we had fights. F was asleep, so I ran to the door and told him everything through the mailbox. I found my phone and my shoes, and D helped me get out over the back fence.

but I wish I stayed. because the backlash was worse. the next day, I got a phone call asking where I was. an angry voice. I wa truthful and told him I stayed on D's couch. he called me a liar, that I slept with D behind his back. he comes down to D's house, and drags me out. he pushed me in the car, then takes me back to his house. he sits me down and tells me 'I'm not going anywhere, ever'
of course, an argument is started. I finally stick up for myself. we're screaming at each other, I can feel all the months of anger coming out of me, I'm crying, I'm shouting, he's shouting. and he pushes me. I fall and hit my head on the corner of the table. I'm bleeding. I try to get up and he stands over me the adrenaline was gone, and the fear was back. he tells me I shouldn't fight back, to shut up and get changed.


he turns around. D and A are stood in the hallway, watching the whole thing. they knew we would fight and he was a bit of a cunt, but I never told them anything else. They come over and pull him away from me, D pinning him to the floor.

I was free. because I wasn't alone. I had someone, who knew I wasn't lying, and believed me. and helped me. D and A were both friends of F's before myself. but they helped me get free. I was trapped, and if they hadn't had walked in, I don't know when I would have escaped. to this day, people don't believe me, my friends would hang out with him all the time. and he wouldn't give up.

he turned up at my house demanding a hoody back, when I said no and for him to leave, he put his foot in the door and shouted abuse at me.

he added me back on snapchat, 1 year later. he messages me, I reply. he then tells me he's getting an uber to my house. then that he's in the alley by my house. I knew him, he would knock on the house happily if I didn't meet him. I didn't want my family to worry. I was stronger than I used to be. and it was strange. I looked at him, and I saw the man I loved. he was stood there in the flesh. but it wasnt him. it was someone entirely different. because the man I fell in love with was kind, and caring, and would never hurt me. would only love me. but something happened to him, I don't know what, but something changed him. something made him into the sociopath he is today. he just, didn't feel anything. he didn't love, he didn't care. his heart was frozen, and his morals were tarnished.

He may not exist anymore, the man I fell in love with, but the exterior does. he will always be my weakness, my achilles heel and my soul mate. but he will never be, the man I fell in love with.