I wrote this a few mths after my attack.. it's been since June 23 2016... The aftermath is such a horrific road to travel.. things still flash in my mind everyday.. I pray that all women get out of their abusive relationships and are able to get their lives back... My life with Leslie was completely unexpected.. I had currently been living in Nova Scotia with my daughter for a few years..just coming out of a great relationship that ended because we had a miscarriage and lost each other.. I had contacted Chelsea's father back in Saskatchewan and we agreed it would be best if Chelsea and I relocated back to the area so that him/his wife and I could be constant in her life and she could attend school where she could travel buses to either home.. When we arrived in Oct 2012 Chelsea and I stayed at her uncle's home beside her grammas house.. Leslie was residing in a home with his friend at her grammas...He would be out plowing the yard.. But my friend Alison and I decided to dress up for Halloween and invited Leslie's and a few others to go with us...my first time seeing him I was speechless..His eyes and dark skin...so handsome..and he was so very funny...I was automatically attracted to him...Later in the evening he whispered in my ear and we met by theand bedroom.. And yes we had all been drinking and typically one thing led to another...in the am we didn't say much but giggle and he left...with Chelsea s uncle gone away we had issues with plumbing and needing wood.. He was constantly helping and we began to drink together more when Chelsea would be with her dad...one day Chelsea was home and Leslie was under unthawing all kinds of pipes..Chelsea followed him back and forth in the cold like a shadow... He gave her attention like she wanted....we started spending more time at the trailor Leslie lived in and eventually he just asked us to move over there... Chelsea was so happy..she got her own room and Leslie treated her like a princess...I could see that Leslie drank everyday but he always seemed to be happy and was always working on vehicles and helping others..at that time I enjoyed having drinks with him..we would play drinking card games...we would go back road driving ..camping trips...things seemed great..sit and look at the stars on the back of the truck.. One night we were laying in the back and he pointed at the last star of the big dipper and SD that's our star and called it Chelsea.. We use to love just snuggling on the couch together watching movies but he always also had snuggle time with Chelsea.. He always made sure to go tuck her in...About the end of our first year he was showing signs of because jealous ..started with my daughters dad then to my best friend Chris...he did not want me on fb cause he didn't trust me so I gave in..stopped fb for a while and stopped talking to my friend....if we were out at the bars he became very adjetated if any guys was staring at me or if he thought I was looking at a guy....so then the name calling started.. I would be called down to the lowest..trust me I would fight back. And many times in our drunk fights I have hit him....especially once he started threatening to have my daughter taken from me....... In the next mornings he would apologize for everything and tell me that he was just mad and upset and that I should know he would never hurt me... He would promise it would not happen again then I would stay...His charming sweet ways helped..I had bad insomnia and if he k ew I hadn't slept then he would get Chelsea up off school..he would do housework laundry everything to help out...day to day we were always happy joking around..but then the bad nites started..
The first time he had flipped we were having an argument over some guy at the bar that Leslie thought I was watching ..He began the same way ..ur a whore slut trash etc then began saying he would take Chelsea away he would hide drugs and call cps and would make up lies all to do it..when I approached closer to him he grabbed me slammimgmy head off the counter and then to the floor..he was standing over me with his fist asking if I was ready to get knocked out and that he will take me out back and kill me no one will find me... I stopped resisting and went straight to bed..I was so terrified and just wanted him to pass out... The next am it was same loving tear filled eyes apology....I felt guilty... I had heard stories that he had hit his ex but he told me a total diff story than the truth of he would have killed her if he hadn't got stopped.. He SD he loved me and we wanted to get married he promised more and more..and he did begin slowing down on the drinking alot and went days without..
We had so many gd times and memories and I thought we would work..Then in January 2015 on a bad night we were arguing drunk..he jumped up from couch slaps my face and throws me to to the floor with his hands around my throat..his forarms were crushing my chest..his fingers squeezing enough to make u ..gasp.. He looks in my eyes and gets up..I automatically call the police in which they came and removed him from our place..I gave the police a statement.. The next am..I see him going in Chelsea's grammas house..there was a no contact order but because he looks after her he just had to stay out of our place or away from me... I was scared and jumped in the truck to leave.. He came running out saying I did the rite thing and how sry hewas and that we would get help etc...we would text back and fourth and everyone pushed me into writing the judge a letter claiming I wasn't scared of Leslie and wished to have it removed so he could live back with my daughter and I .. So I gave that to the judge the letter..there was no way to make an excuse not to with everyone on my case..
And it was dropped.. Then in June Leslie got ordered a year probation..anger management councelling.. Drugs adivtion councelling and personal...for a year... I thought it would work out.. But then the land Les trailor was on needed to besudivided and the trailor was moved to a family members .. We began staying the summer in this camper.. I got sick of everyone drinking and ppl just had no respect..always pawning their kids on others while they drink...I just gave up would have a cpl beer or none..
As school was approaching I began looking for my own place ...I found one in October.. Perfect cause o e of his drunk nites he actually flipped us in a truck and almost could have killed us because he was drunk and wouldn't let me drive.. Him and other gut took offandi started walking other way..seen them get picked up and go other way..I knew then he didn't care..who leaves a woman walking in the dark with a head injury..really? I knew I was done ..it would only be another week and ild have my apartment.. Leslie hated it cause now he lost all control...and there was a single dad who lived above me so that started a whole new problem cause I had gotten the guy to carry a dresser downstairs.. Next day Leslie drunk calling me mad accusing me of wanting my neighbor grrr my neighbor left to to leave and his two tires had been splash d...I messaged my ex who admitted to being I. The yard but SD he left.. Then he says so are yours..I went outside and sure enough 3 of mine were smashed too.... That was our breakup.. He tried calling and threatening so I kept changing my numbers..however it was hard because my daughter would see him at her dad's.. Chelsea was extremely close to Leslie..she was his shadow...so on and off we would try to talk nice but then fight so stay away..then I had to drop off a key a few mths ago and ran into him as I was leaving.. I asked if we could just be nice to each other because this is a small place and r bound to see one another.. He started by coming shopping and to dinner with us but there was a cpl rules..he wasn't to drink here..his friends weren't to be calling and coming here and he was to stay away from one girl that has caused so much drama in our lives...we had been apart 8 mos but felt with him doing the councelling and trying to change then MB it would work again...then one nite be calls comes here drunk I wanted him to pass out instead he pulled the same stunts wanting to argue and accuse me of things...the next day he was told to never come here again when drinking that I don't think he's changed one bit..
He began spe ding more time here not drinking and enjoyed it..however his drinking buddies and ppl that want him to work on their junk became jealous.. Cause he wouldn't be there and soon as he was there they had him drinking filling his head of crap of me cheating and using him..guess he wasn't fun..
So we went to dinner one nite we had a few drinks at a friend's and soon as I'm happy he can't wait to leave so we can go be alone...I hadn't been out in 2 mths ..he wanted sex and I didn't I want a nite of fun.. So we argued I dropped him off at his place and came home...early that am he was banging on my door I let him in he grabbed all his stuff and left.. I had listened to my voice mail and he SD to never call him again..... He bad took off to his brothers drinking... That was Sat am... On Tuesday he calls me and we decided it's not working and that we will get along for Chelsea but we clearly had same issues of his anger and we had both knew we had seen other ppl while separated...these two months just showed we weren't meant to be. Then our nightmare began..... Thursday 4:30 am my daughter and I were sound asleep..we woke to a huge bang..Kane ran down the stairs but Leslie talked to him nice and started screaming a guys name..I turned on the light Chelsea ran and jumped behind me on my bed..Leslie entered the room staggering breaking of booze and anger in his eyes...asking where this guy was hiding.. He began screaming abusive language Chelsea was terrified... I begged him to not do this in front of Chelsea and she went downstairs.. I managed to push him out the door but he began screaming outside for me to call his aunt to come get him.. Chelsea was sitting on the couch and out pitbull Kane was laying over top of her.... I called his aunt/my daughters gramma to come get him.. I told her he broke in and if she didn't come I would call police...she begged me not to and drove here to get him... By the time she was here Leslie had calmed down.. I told him that the rumours of me were not true and that I did not have anyone... Told him he just needed to go home and pass out.. His aunt agreed and we had him in a calm mode.. He even hugged me goodbye and.SD he loved me... I assumed that he would just go home and pass out because he'd been drinking for days...
The next morning I texted my daughter s dad Dan and his Wife Virginia to show them the pic of my door and to let them know why I was keeping Chelsea home from school... I knew it was time to stay away from him forever... My daughter has never seen Leslie angry so she was in extreme shock... Throughout the day I kept in contact with Virginia.. There was voicemail messages from Leslie saying he was gona kill this guy...on my phone ..he had not gone to sleep but kept drinking.....Chelsea and I had a nap..Virginia messaged to tell me that Les was still drinking and if he shows up to call police rite away.. So I SD I would.. Then moments later I was coming out from my laundry room to him standing there with a knife in one hand..He grabs me by the throat dpushing me into bathroom and poerslams me into the tub... I was in such shock...he demands me to take off my shorts get on my knees to perform oral sex.. I'm crying saying no but then he holds the knife to my throat to make me.... It was unbearable ..telling me to do it like how I do to others...calling me names..if I stopped he would hold the knife tighter on my neck threatening to slice ... He pulled me out of the tub and told me to bend over but he made me and raped me from behind... I was so humiliated because I could hear my daughter in the livingroom. ..I kept asking him why and he SD because he had to...in the tub I had kept trying to hit virginias fb so MB she would notice and I kept just praying for help.. He seen the phone slide out of my sweater when I tried to dial 911..he grabbed the phone threw it in the toilet then smashed it of the sink...he had me by the throat up upgainst the wall and kept telling me to be quiet...he again put me on the floor..over top of me he kept taunting me with the knife asking me to confess...I kept crying asking him why..pleading with him to stop.,he smiled SD it was too late..the devil told him to do it... He then began coming down fast towards my body just stopping in time...faster and faster to my fa e to my privates.. The louder I cried he became enraged..He threatened to knock me out and rape me anyway possible... I had to comply. I was soo scared for my daughter and what she must of been thinking about 20 ft away...I knew I had to fight to stay alive..I knew I had to protect Chelsea... I tried telling Leslie that I wouldn't tell that ild just keep quiet but he SD no..it's too late.. That he was killing me then dropping Chelsea off at her dad's then killing himself.. My crying grew louder he threatened to smother me with this orange towl then he began filling the bathtub with water... He began threatening and looking for objects to rape me with... Even threatening to rape me with the knife himself... I was so scared and in shock.. I've never seen him like this..pure evil in his eyes his face was so sunk in...He told me that I can't believe how many times he has thought about doing this to me and the reason he watched alot of shows on ID was to get ideas...he was smiling and giggling it was horrifying... I kept begging then he began to insert his hand inside me reaching tograb to twist my insides..I kept moving which made him angrier he grabbed the knife again and was pinning my legs upwards while he raped me again.... He then SD he was going to just kill me then Chelsea then take us to a backroad and light us on fire then leave and go kill himself then adds it's not the first time he's done it... I was trying to talk with him to change his mind but he was convinced on what he needed to do..No one else was going to have us...then all a sudden Chelsea bangs on the door...my heart stopped.. She SD mom.. Virginias here... Leslie was mortified and ready to kill us both..He was not gonna let us out...I threw on my shorts and told him that she wouldn't leave ..to just let me go out and get her to take Chelsea that I wouldn't say anything and act like we were just talking... I SD I would stay with him...I began opening the door and he followed me out...Virginia was in front of me on the couch..she could see me shaking and marks on my neck..I tried mouthing to her to run...she immediately texted Chelsea s dad who was on the way...they had gotten a call from Leslie saying stupid stuff ..and neither of them were getting an answer at Leslie's place or my cell phone..so Virginia knew in her gut to come...I was trying to stall because I knew Dan was coming..Leslie asked me to go out to his truck which was running and grab him a drink...I refused fearing he would follow then take off with me or hurt Chelsea and Virginia.. We played along trying to get Chelsea to want to go with her step mom.. I got Chelsea to come in the kitchen.. I pulled her in the corner of the kitchen...I whispered for her to not be scared..that when her dad comes to throw on her shoes and run to his truck... Luckily Virginia had Leslie's attention when Dan came to the door I answered I grabbed Chelsea swung around him and SD he's trying to kill me .. Chelsea had already made it to the truck...I went and got in...I could hear Dan ask what was going on and Leslie SD I don't know we just had sex and opened the truck door I got out and screamed no u raped me twice and are going to kill me... I'm not going with u..Dan SD call the cops Leslie took up through the house and jumped in his truck and drove off...Dan went to follow we grabbed my dog and Chelsea and drove up the road to call the police...we went back to wait for police when they arrived he told me that Leslie took his life... I dropped to the ground crying..it didn't seem real at all..they SD on their way they had gotten the call that Leslie had gone to his uncle's and committed suicide shooting himself.. He did this in front of family members last words saying " Watch This"....
my home was now a crime scene and I needed to go to turtleford clinic to do my rape test... We dropped Chelsea off at their place then Virginia and I proceeded to the hospital.. I was in complete shock with it all..my mind was scrambling and I couldn't seem to come to terms.. They took me in the room where I was able to speak with the officer about what happened as he photographed the marks on my knees legs neck... I felt terrified and guilty and angry and scared..as I was taken to the next room the female doctor came in to go over what would need to be done so repeating the gross details to her... Finally they spread out a plastic sheet and I need to undress layer by layer in front of her and the nurse... Passing them each article of clothing to be to processed in bags...finally I was allowed to get off the sheet as they folded it up and put into evidence... Next was laying down having them take a light in the dark to go all over every part of ur body..it was hard not to shake..but they were supportive and helped calm me... The internal exam was the worst...then pulling strands of hair from my head... I wish it had all just been a dream... I wanted to just throw up... As I was in that room the officer had gone home and brought back clothes and snacks from his wife for me.. It was so very sweet and appreciated... Virginia had waited with me for the whole time..she was my strength like no other and truly my angel... We needed to continue to the police station to give our statements.. Chelsea's dad met us there as well to do his.. Then Virginia took me home..I really wanted to be alone.. Thankfully the police were done gathering the evidence and photograph ing so I could come home.. The next day I had wonderful friends Tina and Amy show up with flowers and support and held me cried with me ...things were just not real... Telling ppl what happened was the worst.. Although I had many ppl supporting me they were also all grieving a friend a dad a brother an uncle a cousin...many of these ppl have barely ever seen him angry ..and normally he was happy always willing to help anyone...they could not understand what had happened.. Then the malicious events begun.. The family had told me I was not welcome at the funeral..malicious lies of Leslie's catching me with a man was the reason he did it... Then even asked someone to lock me out of the trailor we lived in... The rumours by a few ppl were sickening.. Having ppl fb message that they wish it was me and to keep my mouth shut.. And to not tarnish his name when he can't defend himself.. Being told that I made him that way etc..and that his death should be enough for me...well it's not.. I pretty much stayed in for 2 weeks.. I just wanted to sleep and cry.. My first bath was horrifying.. I still live in my home and it's such a hard struggle but unfortunately we can't afford or find another place in town so my child can still be between houses.. Since all of this has happened I have gone through many stages.. But one is that I refuse to stay quiet or be bullied.. My negative needs to be turned into something that will help others.. My ex had a drinking problem but other issues as well beyond what I knew.. I want women to read this and know they r not alone.. This happens in homes all over behind closed doors.. Domestic Violence is a problem.. Speak up.. If u r seeing red flags then turn away.. If u feel ur being abused then please do not stay for any reason in the world.. U truly do not know what someone is capable of.. I never once thought Leslie would do this..he never even called me a bitch sober.. Do not take threats lightly when ur partner is saying them drunk or sober.. Once you r out then stay out..break all communication... If u know of ppl in these situations then talk to them about it.. I'm really not sure how I feel about Leslie.. I grieve for the gd that I thought was real..but I hate the man he was for what's he's done...45 minutes in that bathroom and I can barely describe most details cause it was so horrific.. I feel as though he tricked me manipulated me almost as if I was prey.. He needed control and when I moved out he didn't have it anymore.. I'm beginning to see that he wasn't two diff ppl.. He is one person and now I need to learn to accept it all.. I hope all men that see this seek help for any problems or addiction that u may have..it's not to late to change and seek help..With ppl getting more of the truth of what happened it has calmed down so much.. I walk in public..I hold my head high..and I let the truth be known that I am a Warrior and I will get through this..
I want to dedicate my future to helping other women and to spread domestic abuse Awareness.. To become an advocate to band women together and give others strength to get them through this.. I also want to write a book on my life.. I am also a survivor of child sexual abuse ..and have been in a few abusive relationships.. If just one woman stands up for herself then me going public hasade it all worth it....thank u... I really have no idea how to deal with this.. My life is in shambles. Our community still in shock and I'm at a loss.. All I want is to understand.. I want other ppl to know that this really happens all the time.. If I don't turn this into a positive then I will not make it.. My goal is to write a book and help others it is so important to me.. Thank u for reading.. It's been almost 3 mths (June 2016) and I feel so numb bit have this urge to help others from my horrible experience... I have many panic attacks and I try to research for help.. I've found that being public and speaking with other survivors and victims has been the best source of medicine... People still judge me and I hold myself back from writing and doing things.. but I am strong and will make it through this.. thank u for taking the time to read my story.. God bless u for all u do..