As a young girl all I knew was pain. My birth mother was neglectful, and her husband a pedophile. I was taken from them at the age of 4. Where I lived after that was just as dark. My "new mother" beat me every day. She broke down every hope and dream I had as a child. So bad to where I wet my pants/bed and stopped talking. Her son, who was a bit older than me forced me to do sexual acts on/with him.
Our female babysitter who was older than both of us kept it going and added in a few other neighborhood boys. This continued until I was around 11 years old. By the time I was 12, in the state of NY they allow the child to choose where they want to live. I chose my mother, who I had no remembrance of- just a childhood longing to be close to her. Not knowing the hell that awaited me going back- I did.
The next 2 years of my life was filled with pain I’ve never felt. Her husband molested me, they got divorced and she brought many strange men to the house...many who looked at me and said awful things and made me feel unsafe...but one...one of them raped me. Many many times. This was my mother’s current boyfriend’s best friend. He was always at the house when my mother’s boyfriend was. He raped me until I bled. Every time he left to the store for booze, cigarettes or whatever my mother asked for, shed make me ride with him.
One night, I remember it being very cold. He told me to take my pants off. Scared of him, I obeyed blindly. He then stuck his freezing cold fingers in me and I remember peeing in his front seat. I got a beating from my mother for that. The following year I was going into high school. I had a boyfriend, I hid this nightmare at home. I hid it all. Me and my boyfriend started having sex and I felt loved. So loved. So much that I craved more. And word got around that I was a whore and I got bullied really badly.
My mother started letting me self-medicate with her. Id steal her cocaine and booze a lot. Most of the time she was drinking so shed offer me some. This started my ugly addiction to sex and drugs. That year my family was hit with a terrible tragedy. My little sister and 5 cousins were killed in a horrendous house fire. Following that, all the adults in my life went crazy. I had no guidance. Just drugs. Just chaos. The years following was filled with tragedy, unnatural deaths that scarred me to this day. I attempted suicide many times. One being so serious it’s left me with irreversible brain damage.
I’m currently a CNA and working towards getting my RN in college. I want to work in behavioral health and be the light to people like me...who were born into the darkness and never got the chance to know the light until they discovered it themselves. I have a 2 year old, who is the most brilliant loving child...and we have a very normal, calm life. It’s safe to say I’ve broken the chain.