I dated a guy for 2.5 years. At first I told my mom that he was like the guys in Nicholas Sparks’s books. He was at first. Slowly things got bad and the real he showed. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my friends, I wasn’t allowed to even talk to my guy friends (he smashed my phone one day because of it) and whenever I tried to leave his house after an argument/fight he would get a gun, put it to his chin and threaten to kill himself right in front of me. It was horrific, I still have nightmares. After going to a counselor because of the mental/emotional abuse, I lied to my parents telling them he’s doing better and he’s going to change, so after a couple weeks of them not letting me with him, I was allowed again.
Things were good for about two weeks before he turned my life into a living hell. This is when the physical abuse started. First he would push me, after a while he would actually punch me, give me bruises and make me bleed. He was smart about it though, he would make sure to avoid my face or anywhere else where my parents or anyone else might see the marks. After every fight, he would look at me crying and say “I don’t know how I did this to you, you’re just an innocent little girl what is wrong with me? I’ll never do it again I promise I never meant to hurt you” day after day it would be the same, why did I keep going back? It might be stupid but I loved him, that’s exactly why.
I loved him and in the back of my head I was always thinking “what if?” What if one day all of this just stopped and we could live happily, with no worries in the world? What if he actually did realize that what he is going is wrong? “What If” was all it ever was though, because it never stopped, it only got worse and worse. There were two times that I thought he was going to kill me. The first time, we were arguing about something in his driveway and I told him I was leaving because I didn’t want to deal with this anymore. I started walking to my car and he came after me and threw me to the ground and started choking me. This was one out of a few times that he actually choked me to the point where I couldn’t breathe, I felt helpless, I felt like dying.
Thankfully, he heard his friend coming down the rode on his wheeler and he let me go. I was crying, still threatening to leave and when his friend pulled into the driveway, I was screaming that he had just tried to kill me. His friends were oblivious because he as SUCH a good liar. He just laughed and said come on quit being a bitch let’s go inside and smoke (weed), yeah he was a straight stoner. Again, I stayed with him because he made me feel as if he was going to change, and again, he didn’t. At this point, I was MISERABLE. Every. Single. Day. And I kept going back. I lost friends over it, my family didn’t treat me the same, and I was in a dark black hole because my whole world revolves around this abusive relationship. But I loved him. He loved me to, didn’t he? As time went on, we actually started to grow apart. He started acting super weird, and he became distant. This was SO unusual because he usually wouldn’t let me out of his sight, we wouldn’t go a day without seeing each other. We decided to take a “break” he told me it was because I didn’t deserve him and he couldn’t bear seeing me like this anymore because of him.
Well I still would go over just about every other day, because that’s how dumb I was. Well, I started hearing that he had been having other girls over the days that I didn’t go there. When I asked him about it he told me “we are just friends they just come here to smoke and talk”. Then I started hearing that he was cheating on me. I asked him about it and he told me “No what’s wrong with you why would you ever say that? They come here because I need they’re advice because I want you and I to work out and I don’t know how to do it on my own”. He made me the bad guy, he turned it around on me ALWAYS. Girls THIS IS A BAD SIGN. He had the worst excuses but again, he was all I wanted so even though I knew the truth I avoided the idea of it. I don’t even know what happened the one day, but I got so fed up over everything so I blocked him on everything. This lasted for about 1 week before his friends started messaging me saying “you need to talk to him he’s going crazy he won’t even go to work he doesn’t know what to do with himself”. Let’s make some things clear, he came from a broken family, and he suffered from anxiety and depression, these things have major effects on a person’s personality.
I gave in, I texted him, and he told me what his friends had told me. He couldn’t handle himself and he just wanted to talk to me in person. I gave in again, and I went over that night. I got there and he looked extremely depressed, he just stood there and cried while he hugged me and he told me he can’t do it without me and that he’s going to change and that I’m all he ever wanted... at this point my parents did NOT want me with him- no one did. So for the next couple days, I would sneak over and tell my parents I was going to a friend’s house, etc. Over these few days, it was like the beginning of our relationship again- perfect. But I knew it wouldn’t last, it couldn’t. After about 3 days, on October 18. 2017, I told him that while we weren’t together I had sex with another guy because I didn’t know what to do with myself after hearing that he’s been cheating on me. So all that day he was calling me, texting me, messaging me on every social media telling me he’s going to kill himself and that I better come over after school, basically threatening me with everything possible.
I was answering him telling him it was nothing and that I was sorry and everything else, and I knew that it was going to end badly, but in the back of my mind I was thinking “what if he actually hurts himself?” I was used to him hurting me, but if he hurt himself I would be the one responsible, wouldn’t I be? So that night, I had volleyball practice. This is the second time I thought he was going to kill me. (The following is what I wrote in my police report- yes this was it for us) He wouldn’t quit calling me, he was telling me he was out in the middle of the woods and that if I didn’t come “save him” he was going to kill himself. He told me “you need to come, there’s blood everywhere you need to save me I need you please” I gave in, although I was SO hesitant, I was terrified. On the way there, I called him and I asked where he was.
Again, he told me he was in the middle of the woods, but he would meet me at his house if I went there. He was crying, bawling. I told him “I’m scared, I don’t want you to hurt me!” He assured me he wouldn’t, “I just need you to be here I promise I won’t hurt you, my family is home I’m not going to hurt you (I knew this was a lie because they’re always home when he would abuse me, they either didn’t know or didn’t care) I just want you to come over like you were supposed to and be normal please.” I said ok stay on the phone with me. I drove past his house first to see if he was actually gone. His truck wasn’t there so I told him ok I’m turning around to come now. I pulled in and he asked me where I was parked. I told him and he told me “Ok turn your car off so you don’t look like a freak sitting out there in case my family looks out, I’ll be there in 5 minutes”. I shut my car off and that was my first mistake. He came storming right out of the house, I froze. He had parked his truck in his back yard to make it look like he wasn’t there. He came right up to my car, took my keys, and said “okay let’s go”. I followed him up to his room and as soon as I got in there he threw me on the bed, pinned my down and started screaming in my face.
Asking me 100 questions and punching me over and over and over in the head, ribs, stomach. Wherever he could. I knew this was going to be bad because he never would hit me in the head, this was the first time. My ears were ringing I wanted nothing but to die at this point. He told me “I’m going to take you in my truck we’re going to go for a ride”. Thank God he never did that. I lost count of how many times he punched me, but all I knew is that I was hurting pretty bad. My mom kept calling me trying to figure out where I was, I didn’t answer her but Ben got scared that she was going to find out I was here or that I was going to tell her what he was doing, so he started acting super nice and told me he was going to park my car by his truck out back in case she drove by or something. I was so out of it I didn’t even care I told him go ahead. I was hoping that after this he would quit hurting me and just be okay, but that’s not how it went. He came back in and told me to take my clothes off and lay there like the little whore that I am. At this point I wasn’t going to say no, so I did. He lit up a cig, smoked some of it, then put it out right on my chest, the burn mark is still there actually. He continued to hurt me, hit me, punch me, and spit in my face. He made me smoke weed, and when I asked him if he was going to he told me “I smoke so much you don’t even want to know”. After I got myself to calm down a little, I remembered that as long as I stare into his eyes he wouldn’t hurt me. I don’t think I ever stared into them as long as I did that night. He got weak, he was vulnerable then, he was crying with me.
He was still mad but he wasn’t hurting me and that’s all I cared about at this point. He did have sex with me that night, I didn’t want to, but still I was too afraid to say no, this wasn’t the first time. I didn’t consider this rape until I talked to my friend about it later and she told me that it is considered rape. However, I left this part out of the police report because it’s just plain terrifying and I didn’t want to admit it to myself let alone anyone else. I kept telling him I had to leave and he just kept saying “you can’t tell anyone about this okay we need to forget about all of this and move on” I told him okay. He proceeded to tell me “I don’t want you going out I want you here every day I don’t want you talking to anyone and I’m going to go through your phone every day, you understand why I’m making you do all of this right?” Right. The only way he would let me leave is if I agreed to everything, I knew how he worked. So I finally left and slept on it. I didn’t know what I wanted to do I loved him, I will always love him.
The next day I told my friend about it and showed her all the marks he had left and she started crying and that’s when I knew I had to do something. I texted him to let him know I’m sorry and that I do love him. I blocked him on everything and went to the cops. I haven’t talked to him since, and I’ve only seen him around about 5 times. He was charged with assault and harassment and I got a PFA filed against him. To the girls out there going through anything like this, please get out while you can.
Please. As hard as it may be. I wanted to marry this kid, I wanted a future with him, it still hurts, I still have nightmares, it still keeps me up at night, but I am so thankful that I finally got away. Life is so much simpler now and I promise there is so much more to life than getting hurt and being miserable over one person every single day. Stay strong
J.F.