This story has a background of mental abuse up to sexual abuse never forget yourself worth.

At the age of 18, you think about where life is heading for you. You have everything planned out accordingly. I did. I believed I had a chance to survive. That was until I met him. When you think of your partner you shouldn’t have to remind yourself the good in him and what he could become one day. I believed he could change. It was March when I met him.

April when he told me to kill myself, calling me the whore, cunt, telling me I wasn’t good enough. I’m not going to lie I was afraid of him. I let months of torture go by till one day I thought I had enough. I walked away. But after 5 months you think maybe he’s changed maybe he could be a different person. It wasn’t till 10pm on a Tuesday in late December when begging him to stop, yelling and trying hard to get him off of me, that people don’t change. You see over those 5 months, I was rebuilding myself, and that night he took something from me. I forever have “You’re fine, its okay, stop crying” embedded in my brain trying to escape.

I went home that night trying to tell myself he’s a good person. I stopped the contact with him. That night those last 5 months of rebuilding myself came crumbling down and I just brushed it off my shoulder. Fast forward a month later, I met this amazing guy all my friends know him. We were laying and talking when all I hear is a simple ringtone the one I knew all so very well. Something in me re-broke. But I paid no attention to it. Sex came later on with this amazing guy, and it triggered that broken piece of me and all I felt was tears and now random flash backs and night terrors. It wasn’t until I was curdled up in a ball on my shower floor screaming because I was afraid of how broken I actually was.

My friends helped me, that amazing boy saw my hurt and he hurt. I begged that amazing never to go find him. I’m now 19. It’s been almost a month and a half, since the last December night. I learned you don’t have to forgive people for their actions especially if they don’t deserve it, you don’t have be little yourself because it’s not in your control. And to everyone else who had a part of them taken by someone, believe me when I say I understand, but don’t give up and don’t break yourself when it comes to this.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you “he’s 17 he doesn’t know any better” stop you from speaking up, because my biggest fear is him taking something from a girl who doesn’t know any better. But I refuse to let “your fine, you’ll be okay, it gets easier” define me. You may seek alcohol to cover your pain, trust me I did. It only worked till a Saturday night of crying and begging my friends I can’t feel anything. I’m 19. I got raped by someone close to me and it’ll haunt me but it doesn’t define me.