When I was 12 I was suicidal, I cut myself and tried to commit suicide due to my mums death. There first time I ever done it I could just feel so much pain go away, even though I was causing pain to myself. See the thing is, cutting yourself takes the mental pain away and introduces the physical pain which isn't as bad as it goes away. But mental pain doesn't. It stays with you for as long as it likes.
My family found out about me cutting and they got me a counselor. This worked but it took a whole year it least. To be honest after this I was happy and joyful. Never had any thoughts of cutting.
On the 7th of January 2017 at around 10:20 pm I was raped by an evil sick individual. I was at an underage house party and there was alcohol, I got drunk. I walked into some girl’s room to get changed. The top I wore was a tight crop top that barely fit me. I tried so hard to get it off but it got stuck at my neck and I had no bra on so my breasts where showing.
I heard the door open and it was my assaulter. He stood and shut the door and said well, would you look at that. I said get the fuck out I’m getting changed you freak and I panicked as I couldn’t get the top down to cover myself. He just kept saying would you worry and backed me into a corner. He pushed me into the bed. I froze. He ripped my skinny jeans off and literally penetrated me. I didn’t move. I didn’t make a sound. He didn’t attempt to kiss me which in a way is good.
He gripped the back of my hair and when he was done he lay on top of me for like two minutes. One small tear trickled down my face that I know he definitely saw. Once he left the room I lay there for five minutes completely frozen. This knocked all that I had built down and worse. I didn't even think about cutting myself. My first thoughts of harming myself went straight to suicide. Every. Single. Day. I was depressed. I have anxiety. I am traumatized. I was suicidal.
I know one thing that can make this pain go away. It's nature, the sky, the wind, the birds, the sun, the fresh green grass. It literally makes me feel happy and free. I like to sit and look outside the window at night, around 4 am just looking at all the different types of blues and the sun rise, imagining that I am in a different foreign country. The center of the world can be anywhere you like.
Life is short. I'm not going to waste my life sitting in the same place doing the same shite settling down etc. What I want to do is travel the world no money needed nothing. I want to enjoy and see what makes me happy and just sit and have no worries and feel free like a bird in the sky.