Here where two times in my life that I have been sexually assaulted and abused. The first time happened when I was very young, around about 4 years old and didn’t know about sex or what it meant, however my brother did. He would hide me in bedrooms when my parents/grandparents where busy and go on to poke and prod at my Vagina.
The more it happened the more he experimented on me until one day he ended up having sex with me. At the time I didn’t know what everything was however he told me I shouldn’t tell my parents or we would both be in trouble. As I grew older it dawned on me what was happening and by this time we didn’t live together nor did we speak. When I was older, around 17 I fell in love, or I thought it was love, with a lad who was sweet at first. He gave me my first real drug and we would spend a lot of time getting drugged up and I thought this was happiness.
We moved in together and soon he started getting angry a lot and shouting. The more it went on, again the worst it got. It got to the point where he was throwing things, calling me this you should never call someone you love until one day he finally put his hands around my neck and pushed me over the bed. As he knew about what happened when I was younger I thought I could trust him, until one day he turned around and told me I was worthless, broken and fucked up. He told me I never accepted my past like I thought I had otherwise my parents would know.
He then went on to throw all of my things around the house, including my clothes, phones and personal belongings. I’d had enough, I thought I couldn’t do it anymore so I hid in the bathroom and took an overdose of anti-depressants. As I was throwing up he came in and told me he’d drag me out of the house by my hair if I didn’t get up and leave until he realized the empty packets and rang my parents. When they got there the whole house was upside down, the furniture was all turned and all of my things where everywhere. When they came into the bathroom, he was stood behind them and I told them everything about when I was younger and told my boyfriend at the time that if that wasn’t me accepting it then nothing was.
It hit me what had gone on and everything I’d blocked out for years had finally come to the surface. I’d felt this black hole in my stomach, just turning my whole life around. My dad took me to hospital where I refused the help and went home and for a week or two I couldn’t eat, walk or do anything because of the pills I’d taken. After I was feeling better my dad asked me to talk about it all and I did, however when he told me I had to confront my brother I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t look him in the eyes and tell him that I knew or remembered everything so my father kicked me out and is no longer in contact with me. However my mother has never pressured me to talk about it, I spoke to her in confidence and she told me that however I wanted to go about it I could. I finally broke free of the boy who was hurting me physically and emotionally, and it taught me they don’t have to physically punch or slap you to abuse you.
A lot of it was mental abuse he’d filled my head with that I wasn’t good enough and no one would love me more than he did. This wasn’t true, and even though I have never confronted my brother for what has happened I still feel like I am in control. I am now back in education, and actively seeking another job, looking for my own place to live, have the strongest relationship with my Mum and am speaking to a man that is kind and genuine, doesn’t have a bad word to say about me and is an all-round amazing person. Me as a person, I feel like if I have overcome these difficult times in my life that nothing can stop me. I have been hurt, victimized, abused, broken hearted, abandoned and most of all raped by someone I should have been able to trust but still I am happy, strong and independent. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for what happened to me, and although it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows I now know my worth more than most that haven’t been through these though times, and I feel as though who I am is someone that I am proud of.
I am no longer a victim nor do I feel like One, I am more a survivor, a warrior who can defend myself if and when needed. I am now turning 20 this year, and can’t wait for what life has for in store for me! Thank you for reading my story and I hope that anyone that is struggling knows that there is someone out there that you can talk to, whether it is a good friend you can trust or family or someone professional.. They can help you but its important no one will make it better but yourself.