At 10 & half I was moved from Germany to the UK with my mother. My Father had threw her out for cheating on him. We lived with family for a few months. The day before my 11th birthday I was scared. No friends, no school, no party! My mum told me everything would be ok. Don’t worry.
The morning I woke up, I ran to my mums bedroom and found a note on her bed. Don’t worry darling, happy birthday. You will be ok and I have gone to find us a home. I received no presents or cards that day. I did get a party! My aunt had arranged an emergency party for family, my cousins, uncles, distant relations. She was riddled with cancer in her 40s and got up that day just for me. I had a nice party meeting people I didn’t know. By 7pm people had left, my uncle gave me a 2litre bottle of ye old English cider as a present. I drank it. I was drunk. I had to be sick and sleep. Later on that night my cousin woke me up and I had to go with my uncle to the big girl’s bed. I bled! I cried! I screamed! My cousins both helped me clean up later, they wiped the blood from between my thighs and used foundation on me for the first time. I had never wore make up before. I was now a woman! I was a grown up. Roll on 2 years my dad came and got us. Moved us away. He knew. I was a grown up. Sex was a tool I could use to my advantage, or so I thought.
I screwed his mates, people who I babysat for. I was game. The cycle of self-Destruct began. It was a game I was hoping to lose. I didn’t care.
At 16 I met a 37 year old who promised to protect me. He only sold me. I married him and moved abroad. Sex clubs/ violence/ abuse but my beautiful daughter, father unknown was born. I was too old now and abandoned. I was 21. Desolate, alone, damaged goods & couldn’t earn.
I remarried quickly, I had never been alone before. A few more kids came who I wasn’t capable of looking after how they deserved. The cycle of self-destruct continued. Good bad indifferent. Going through the motions but self-destruct would always be the victor.
Roll on many years. I’m divorced, my kids hate me, and I have nothing but mental health issues & an alcohol problem.
I get my own place after being homeless on the streets for 9 months. Sex was yet again a tool. 8 months in my home and it got burgled, they both decided to rape me/ beat me/ rob me. 5 more years of self-destruct. Losing everything.
Lightbulb moment, standing in court, found guilty but the magistrates must have noticed or read something. I don’t know. They decided the only punishment I needed wasn’t prison. I needed help! I needed heard! I needed to find my own voice, stop accepting and fight for myself instead of others! I was sentenced to get help in various forms or go to prison. That threat was forced for 2 years.
Roll on another few years. I’m 46, I have had counseling, in every form. I don’t take medication that I have been on since 11. I have been to college, achieved my gcse/ highers, and lower degree. I’m working on a higher deg ree in law. I stilldon’t work. But I also volunteer in various organizations in women’s issues. I’m strong, I’m single ish lol, and I have a man friend who I totally adore who also adores me but baby steps here! It’s only been under 2 years! 😂 one day I will let him stay over longer than 6 hours for dinner. I’m a beautiful mess. I live my life and for the first time ever I’m achieving something that gives me a purpose. Some of my children even speak to me now! I don’t have the same feelings/ emotions as others do but I feel different. Every day is a battle to improve myself. A battle to live & breathe. One day I will achieve it.
Keep strong, take help and do what you need to do. Happiness is a few footsteps away.