I am aware that my story, which is at first mental abuse and turns into physical abuse, could be much worse and I am very lucky but I think this can help any woman who is in the early stages of a relationship with domestic violence. My mother was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer when I was 17. During the time she was sick, I met a guy (I would call him a man but he isn’t one) who was 22.
When I first met him, he seemed like the sweetest guy I had ever met. He seemed shy and sensitive and acted as if he cared so much about what I was going through during that time. I truly thought that god was blessing me with my soulmate before I lost my mother. The whole first month of the relationship was amazing. I told my whole family, “This is the person I’m going to marry and have children and a family with.” I felt like he was the other half I always wanted to find. After about a month, the sweetness started to fade.
He started to become rude. We would argue and he would raise his voice and say rude things that were extremely uncalled for. I am not the type to yell, name call or any of that when I argue. But somehow I found him always escalating it to that. As time went on, his rude remarks got worse. His voice got louder. Inside, I started to feel scared. But I tried brushing it off because you never want to believe the person you love will hurt you. I told myself he’s stressed out, he has things going on- anything to excuse his behavior.
He managed to move himself into mine and my mother’s apartment in a very short time. I didn’t mind, because she was sick and from my point of view I thought he wanted to be there as much as he could as my support system. I see now that he only wanted to move in so quickly so he could have more control over me. Sometime after that, his trust issues began. I couldn’t leave the house without him. If I did, it was a fight. He had to know every move I made and who I made it with, how long I was there, why I went there, etc. He would repeat the same questions over and over again as if he was trying to catch me in a lie.
It made no sense to me because he lived with me, so it was impossible for me to have another guy in my home. He was always there with me. The name calling got worse. I would name all the things he called me but I’d rather not because of how low and disrespectful they are. I found myself always fighting with him because everything was somehow my fault. It felt as if I had to walk on egg shells because if I even breathed the wrong way, I was in trouble. He would constantly try to get me pregnant because I think he thought it was a way to trap me with him.
Luckily he was unsuccessful. What messed with my head the most is that after every fight of him bashing me, putting me down and making me feel lower than low, he would somehow become extremely apologetic in the snap of a finger. He would cry and apologize saying how much he loves me. He would tell me he just has issues he needs to work on and he’s trying because he doesn’t want to lose me. It lead me to start questioning myself.
I questioned if maybe I was really doing something wrong to trigger these issues. Maybe I could be better and he wouldn’t always get so upset with me. Maybe it really was me. My mother came home from the hospital and started to witness this behavior from him. She would always tell me two things: 1) A man who speaks to you like that will put his hands on you. 2) If he belittles you in public, it will only get worse behind closed doors. I told her she was crazy but she was right. The belittling in public started to happen. But by that point I was so messed up in my head that I felt I couldn’t leave him.
I felt I was this horrible person he made me out to be and who else would want a girl who makes someone feel so low. I also didn’t ever want to believe it would really escalate to what it escalated to. Then one night he went out with a friend. He got extremely drunk and I also think he did some type of drug. He came back to my apartment. He was angry and accusing me of being out cheating and doing god only knows what, meanwhile I was home with my mother watching TV and waiting for him. We sat on the couch and I tried calming him down and he took things out of his pockets and started throwing them at my face. I instantly knew this was going to get so bad. I was scared because of how angry he was, and kept picking up the things that were being thrown at me, just to try to avoid him becoming even madder. After a few minutes he decided to go outside to smoke a cigarette.
I ran into my mom’s room and grabbed our house phone because he took my cell phone with him outside. When he came back in, I prayed the cigarette calmed him down but it didn’t. As soon as he saw me, he screamed in my face, pushed me to the floor and started kicking me. When he was done kicking me, he walked away for a second and I got up and ran to the bathroom. I locked the door and as soon as I did he came banging on the door, screaming through the door how he was going to f****** kill me, bash my head in, etc.
Any horrible thing you can think of doing to a person, he said he was going to do to me. I called my uncle who lives downstairs, but he heard me and locked the latch on my front door that you can only open from the inside. My uncle had no way of getting into my apartment. He locked him out. I had my whole body pushed up against that door for every punch and kick he made to it because I was so scared he was going to break it down.
This went on for about 45 minutes. Finally, my mother calmed him down and got him to leave. After all was said and done, a knife was found on the floor outside my bathroom door. In that one minute he disappeared after he was kicking me, he went into my kitchen to get a knife. It still sickens me to think of what could have happened to me had I not locked myself in the bathroom when I had the chance. I was losing my mother and was not mentally okay, and I felt he was all I had.
So, even after that I saw him one more time. I was petrified to be in the same room with him. My mother was back in the hospital so I was alone in my house. I kept telling myself that because she was back in the hospital he would be sensitive to that and be nice to me. I was so very wrong. He was that same mean person even after he did what he did, and even after knowing I was about to lose my mom. I remember he fought with me that night and I was so petrified because what if he tried to physically hurt me again and I wouldn’t be able to save myself this time.
I started crying about my mom, which took his mind away from the nonsense he was fighting with me about. I went to bed, left early in the morning before he woke up and never allowed him in my home or life again. My mother passed away a few weeks later, and he reached out to me. I told him he wasn’t allowed at the funeral (you can imagine how much her and I both hated him for what he did) and all he did was curse me out that whole day.
So this is for all the girls who are feeling scared of their guy, but telling herself he won’t ever do that to you. If you’re scared, or even questioning it, it means he isn’t treating you right and he WILL do it. These types of men do not think about you. They don’t care about your feelings. They have deep emotional issues. They want to control you, and make you feel low like how they feel. And you don’t deserve that.
I met a man not even a year after I left my ex. I am still with this man. He never raises his voice, or his hands to me. I can speak my mind and he listens. I don’t feel wrong for feeling a type of way. No matter what way it may be that I feel. I feel safe, not scared. The person you’re with is supposed to make you feel secure and safe, and I promise you there will be so many guys out there dying to make you feel that way. I beg you, please leave a man who makes you feel scared or insecure, or anything other than happy.
A man who mentally and physically abuses you will not stop. It will keep getting worse. I know it is scary to leave. It is so scary. But it is so worth it. Even when I was single after leaving him, I still knew that was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. And especially now after being with someone who makes me feel the total opposite of what he did, I’m even more grateful that I left when I had the chance; before I was too mentally abused to want to leave, or so physically abused that maybe I would have even been dead.
There is someone out there who will give you everything you deserve. A man who is abusing you, in any way, is NOT that man.