I was a freshman in high school. I had these group of friends that I thought were the greatest people in the world. I failed to realize I was wrong until later down the line. It was the second to last month of school. I decided to call my mom from school and ask her to hang out at this kids house a few houses away from the school. She agreed because it was far from the first time I've hung out with him after school and she knew me and him were good friends.

Well I go to hang out after school ends. Everything is normal. I talk about the school work I needed to get done and he was going on about the stuff hes been doing since he had been suspended. A few minutes into the conversation I felt off. Couldnt explain it in any way except that I didnt feel comfortable in that house with him at that moment, but like any intuition I have, I blew it off, just blamed my anxiety. So we sat and talk and he started to get closer, talking about my clothing choice (i literally went to school in pajama pants and a big hoodie) saying I should let him see because "we know each other so well". At that second I didnt feel like I knew him at all. It almost sent me into a panic attack when I would look at his face as he stared me down. Next thing I knew he was sitting on his bed next to me continuing to convince me to do what he wanted. He then forced himself onto me. The last thing I remembered before having my panic attack was begging him not to because his girlfriend was my best friend. She didnt deserve a boyfriend like that. I gathered my wits once we left the house.

I still have such a hard time trying to remember what actually happened in his room, but it feels like im getting stabbed in the gut when I try to. We walk through town because I was getting picked up from my mother later. Walking next to him while trying to piece together what had happen was a rollercoaster. I wanted to get away but I felt stuck. Eventually me and him met up with my other friend and my sister. He went home and the three of us went into walmart while waiting for my mother. Since he was gone I no longer felt stuck. I once again had my own will. I left walmart, didnt even take a second to think otherwise, I just had to leave.

I went to this girls house i was semi friends with to tell her all that happened. I just had to get it out, but I still had no idea as to what really happened myself. I tried to explain it, but my brain wouldnt let me tell it. An hour passes, I call my mom to pick me up. We go home, I didnt have the courage to tell my mother that my friend that she knew very well tried to force himself onto me. So i dont talk about it for days. I assumed it would go away.

I went to school the next week and everybody knows. I have his girlfriends' friends coming to me telling me she doesnt want to be my friend anymore and all of this stuff. Well I expected it. I didnt hate her for believing her boyfriend over me. I just lived on. I went on to my second class and there were those two girls waiting for me watching as I walk down the hall. I get called a slut and horrible friend and this and that. All I could do was break down crying in the hallway while every student and teacher just stopped and stared to watch me. No one believed me. Even my two closest friends couldnt muster up the nerve to tell someone to leave me alone, and its because they were all friends with the man who assaulted me.

That night I tried to kill myself. I didnt see a point of living. I had no one to tell me it was going to be ok, no one to say that he will get what he deserves. I was in the hospital for about a month. I failed three or four classes, wasnt able to take the EOC for them so I was screwed. When I came back to school no one knew what happened, no one even welcomed me back. Everyone acted like the past month didnt mean anything to them, so once again, I was alone. I still feel like everyone thinks I wanted it. So many people I truly cared for left me over a guy that doesnt even care about any of his friends.

I still have panic attacks over something that happened 5 years ago. Hes been dead for about a year now, suicide. I thought that this would finally be my closure. That this painful memory will no longer hang around in my thoughts. I was wrong, but I hope one day I will be able to go through a day without shaking in disgust and fear.