When I was 19 - I'm 26 now. I met a guy in my college class. He seemed cool and quite unusual so he intrigued me. But my college lecturer at the time kept hinting to me that I could do better and saying he was no good. I ignored him though of course thinking he was just being weird.
I started going out with this guy. At first he was lovely. He came with me to get tattooed before we were official just to make sure I was okay. He said he was a virgin which I now truly believe was a lie.
Over the course of our relationship he became very possessive. He became a bully. He made me think that I didn't have anyone but him so in turn I kept staying at his house away from my amazing parents. There were multiple incidents of him throwing me out in the rain with no jacket or shoes. Throwing my belongings into the road. He dragged me down stairs by my arm. He emotionally abused me to no end. I believed he loved me and I believed the sorrys. He made me feel like if I didn't do what he wanted sexually that I was cheating or I was being frigid. He made me do stuff I was never comfortable with. Even so far as peeing on me and making me pee on him. I felt disgusting. I hated myself. But at the same time I felt I had to do this stuff for him because I loved him at the time. Now I know what I felt wasn't love at all.
One day in college he was pulling my hair and just being a complete idiot towards me and this was witnessed by a few of our classmates. When the day was almost over I texted my friend that I wanted to leave early to get away from him before he got worse. He realised what I was doing and grabbed my phone and hid in the boys bathroom to check what I'd said. My college lecturer and everyone became involved. He appeared raging and threw my phone on the ground and stamped on it. He then picked it up and snapped it in half in my face. The police were called and thankfully I had all my witnesses. I left him after that but of course as so many others will understand - I went back. Again believing the apologies and the begging and the "it will never happen again".
Near the end of our relationship I found out the worst possible thing a woman can find out in that situation. I was pregnant. I knew as soon as I took the test that I did not want to have a baby with him. I told him and he said he couldn't stop me but wants me to keep it. He played so many games with me about it but I knew it wouldn't be safe. I knew I couldn't make him a father. Having that termination has haunted me since. Every day I think I made a mistake. I could have had that little baby and protected him or her from my ex. I could have fought to keep them away from him. But at the time it seemed like my only option. The nurses looked at me like I was scum. It was agony. All while he sat on his phone eating a packet of crisps ignoring me. I've never felt so ashamed in my life. That was the beginning of the end. That was the first major incident that happened that opened my eyes.
One thing he always talked about wanting to do was anal sex. For so long I told him I didn't want to. He badgered me for months about how it was his ultimate thing and how I should try it if I really loved him. So I told him I would try but if I said stop he had to because of heard it's sore. He swore he would be careful and if I said stop he would. He didnt. I shouted stop multiple times and he wouldn't. I had to go limp so the pain would stop. Once he was done he said he was so sorry it just felt so good he couldn't control himself. He laughed and said surely it was good for you too. It wasn't. That was my last straw.
Not long after all this I left him. For his birthday I had got him a kitten and I had witnessed his mum hurt the little thing and his mum hated her so I told him I would take the cat. When I returned to collect it my mum waited outside in the car. He attempted to rape me again. He pinned me down on his bed and said he wanted "one more" as a "goodbye" I screamed blue murder and I screamed that my mum was waiting outside and it scared him off.
For a while after he tortured me. He told my mum and dad over the phone about the termination. Luckily I have amazing, loving parents who tried everything while I was with him to get me away from him but they couldnt. They weren't angry. They were angry with him. They were angry that his mother and father let all this happen under their roof.
They still don't know about the rape though. Nobody does except my husband now. I just wanted rid of him I didn't want to go through courts. Another regret I have. I should have. But it's too late now.
I hope he lives a very sad, lonely life and I hope he dies alone. I'm in therapy now for everything he put me through. I have anxiety and depression. I am married though to an amazing man with 2 beautiful children. I know I'm strong and I know I'm a survivor.
Anonymous