I am the survivor of a Borderline/Narcissistic mother. I didn't realize how many stories like mine were out there until I started looking. I spent 30 years feeling like I was on an island. I have dark holes in my memory & spent my childhood with extreme anxiety, depression, an eating disorder in my teens & allot of emotional growth when I went no contact 7 years ago (I was very stunted emotionally).
My mother manipulated, lied, purposefully made me feel unsafe, knocked me down & was abusive in ways that don't leave physical scars. The Narcissist is a tricky abuser & pits her children and spouse against each other all while sitting back and watching the show. I've witnessed her pretending to be abused & being forced to lie for her. I never felt good enough for anyone & never even thought I deserved unconditional love.
To get love from a Narcissistic parent you must follow the rules & obey. When they do something nice for you, you must constantly shower them with affection & when you make mistakes that affection will slap you across the face. I was not balanced and by the time I was 30, she did something that almost cost my son and me our lives, it was unthinkable for a mother to do to her daughter and grandson.
After speaking with police & professionals who were afraid for our safety, I knew I needed to get away. Going no contact was scary but as I grew and learned more I know I made the right choice for my family. It gets better, I promise. I met a man who stuck out the rocky first few years and have unconditional love for the first time in my life. If you're going through this, there is light at the end of the tunnel. The words that really hit home were this, a friend said "Picture yourself as a little girl, she's beautiful right? Now, what would you tell the 5 year old you?" The first thing that came to mind was, it wasn't your fault & you deserve love.
It was the first time I'd ever thought that & it changed my life. It isn't your fault & you deserve unconditional love. Take whatever steps you need to, to be safe & loved. Remove toxic people from your life, strive to be the best you and always remember that even on your worst days, you deserve love and patience.