I met my son's father while I was working an overnight job at a retail store. He ended up quitting and getting a better job a co-worker that happened to be friends with him came up to me one night and told me that J (we will call him that) had a crush on me and asked if he can get my number. Although I thought it was incredibly cowardly to ask someone to get my number I went against my thoughts and gave it to him...Needless to say we ended up dating.

I was lonely and he made me laugh (I'm a sucker for someone who can make me laugh because it's my favorite thing ever.) Things were great I felt so loved and happy a few months into it we had gotten in a little fight I don't even remember what it was about. All I remember was that I was still living with my parents at the time. I ended up pushing him not hard but I pushed him away from me he got mad and all I remember was feeling something hit my face...I couldn't believe what just happened I was in shock I never thought this man that was standing in front of me could ever lay a hand on me. But there I was holding my cheek feeling the throbbing of my face.

I told him he needed to go, I didn't want to deal with something like that. I told myself I was better than that... he kept apologizing telling me he was sorry and that he swear it will never happen again... I believed him only because I wanted to believe him not because I knew it was the truth... I thought to myself. "I'm not one of those females that stays with an abusive guy"

A few months passed by and he ended up moving in with my folks and me. At first everything was perfect it was actually like he meant it... he didn't lay a hand on me, I was in my own little bubble that this man no matter how overly jealous and overly protective, he was just like that because he loved me so much and was scared of losing me. He started getting controlling and I just brushed it off as him being insecure and that I need to reassure him that I loved him. He started to control my life. He didn't want me talking to my sister because well my sister always had this act on just knowing if someone was a good person or not... she told me she didn't like him (I should have listened).

So because she didn't like him I wasn't allowed to talk to her anymore. I couldn't have any guy friends because supposedly no guy would ever be interested in just a friendship with me all they ever wanted was to get in my pants, talking about pants I wasn't allowed to wear tight fitted jeans because they showed off my hourglass figure too much, I wasn't allowed to wear makeup, perfume or to even have my hair down it always had to be up when I went out. I had to text him to let him know I was on my way to work, text and send him a picture once I got there, text him and call him when I went on both my 15 and 30 minute break. Text him when I left work and take a picture when I got home... the physical abuse started up again over me being friends with my ex (who was my best friend before we even dated. I dated him for 9 years) he logged into my phone account and saw that I had been texting my ex... he hit me in my face again...my father came in from hearing me cry, I made up a lie that a box hit my face when I was trying to get something out of my closet. I only did this because J was standing behind my father looking both scared and angry begging me with his hand pressed together behind my father, you see my father was a cop at the time he could have arrested him but it was a mixture of me being scared and me being ashamed that made me lie.

He promised it wouldn't happen again but made me cut ties with my ex altogether... he started harassing my ex. Texting him, calling him, and even calling his house number which at the time he was living with his parents he not only threatened my ex but also his whole family. They ended up having to change numbers. But he found different things to be angry at me about even if it was me talking to one of my guy coworkers just about work. I got home and would get beat. I had learned how to stay silent while I was his punching bag... people at work noticed they all begged me to leave, my guy coworker all said they would beat him up for me. But I honestly believed I was stuck even with my father being a cop because he threatened to kill my whole family even my animals with my father's gun because he knew where my dad put it.

Eventually my parents caught on but I begged my father not to arrest him because I just figured with how the law is with domestic abuse he would just be right back out and I would get the beating of my life... my parents told me we had to move if I was going to stay with him...I found out I was pregnant a little before the move while we were still living with my parents. I believe in the whole my body my choice thing but I also knew for myself I was against an abortion. Fast forward to my birthday he found out my ex had texted me to say happy birthday and I got home from work to get a beating on my birthday! That beating ended up causing me to have a miscarriage because he kicked my back and my stomach repeatedly.

We moved out together and into a room of a family friend things were alright he didn't touch me in a while. Until it happened again this time he punched me so hard that my eye had swollen shut it was purple, blue and black... after he did it he tried hugging me and telling me he was sorry begging me not to call the cops. I left the apartment and went on my way to go to the hospital I had to call my job and since my boss was someone I knew from my old job I told him the truth. He told me to go to the hospital and call the cops.

J followed me the whole way to the hospital. In my mind I decided to myself that enough was enough and I was going to tell the doctor that he did this... I was waiting for my chance the chance I'd get to see the doctor because we'd be alone... expect we weren't he wouldn't leave me out of his sight... I guess the doctor could tell because at one point she pointed out that I must be hungry and he should go get me something from the food court. Expect when I was finally alone with her I froze. She told me she knew my story about being mugged was bullshit and that she's seen this way too many times... she said all I had to do was say the word... I was so scared and before I could say anything he was back.

When I went back to the doctor to get my bandages removed and check on my eye sight he followed the doctor told me I was very lucky because she really thought I'd lose my sight in my right eye but thankfully I didn't. Things were bad and I not only hated every day but I hate myself so much... it got to the point that I was begging for more hours at work so I could be away from him. I became a pro at lying and hiding bruises and when I showed up to work with bruises I got the pity eyes everyone knew how I got them and they all just felt sorry for me. I had gotten raped by him countless of times and the times I did try to leave he would beat me bad. Once he caught me trying to leave on the middle of the night and beat me so bad in the hallway. There had been people who saw him hit me in public and just turned a blind eye pretending it didn't happen even when I was begging for help I even fought back one and beat the hell out of him because I was just tired of it.

Every time I went to visit my parents and when I got home I would get in a fight with him...I hated my life...then I noticed I wasn't feeling well for a while and realized I had missed my period... I took a home pregnancy test (3 to be exact) and they all came out positive when I told him I was sitting on the toilet in the bathroom crying actually I was SOBBING. I couldn't believe it I felt even more trapped and it killed me because I always wanted a baby but the fact that it was with this man killed me... he sat there and promised me things would be different. I didn't buy anything he said but I listened. He told me he would go to anger management and do whatever it was to be a good father to our baby... and he did for 6 months... 6 months he didn't hit me, he didn't control me and he was a good person but I knew it was only a matter of time..

I don't remember what we got in a fight about but I was through with it. I told myself I had to be over this and out of this because it isn't about me anymore it was about the baby boy growing inside of me, I had to protect him. It all clicked in my head one night when I had came home from work sitting down eating and I get a text message from J telling me to go downstairs and open the door he left work because he wasn't feeling well (he worked a overnight job and I didn't anymore) I waited by the front door for about 10 minutes before I gave up to go get my phone to ask him where he was, once I opened the bedroom door he was there already. I was so confused and then he told me he was hiding under the bed the whole time because he thought I was bringing guys home (I was pregnant!) I knew that that was the last straw.

I dumped J and moved back in with my parents... I felt a sense of relief... the very next day I left my parents house to head to work...it was just like any other day I saw the bus coming and as it pulled up the doors opened from the corner of my eyes I saw J coming towards the bus my heart sank he wasn't going to give up. I got on the bus and J followed he tried talking to me but I ignored every word. I got off the bus and headed to the train. He kept talking and I kept ignoring... it got him so mad that he grabbed me by the shoulder turned me around and repeatedly punch my face until I fell down... a little girl and her father saw this happened the little girl cried and begged her father to help me but he told her it was none of the business and pulled her away... I got up when J was too busy looking at the little girl and her father and I ran up the stairs to the deli that was right next to the train station. J followed me in and cornered me into the corner and started hitting me all I remember was covering my belly trying to protect my baby and then the deli guy jumped over the counter and pulled J off of me and told him he was calling the cops.

J ran off and the deli guy and the store manager sat with me while we waited for the cops to come... I actually pressed charges this time and they took pictures and took me to the hospital. Thankfully I did a good job protecting my son but I stayed in the hospital because my blood pressure was too high...I actually stayed away from him but I also allowed him to be in my life because I felt like he had a right to because he was the father of my son... but he made me life miserable... he stalked me at work...he stalked me everywhere we weren't even together anymore and he still controlled my life.

He caused me so much stress that my son was born prematurely because of all the stress he caused me. I didn't hear my son cry and I laid in the hospital bed hating myself because I started to think I gave birth to a stillborn and that it was all my fault but then a minute later my son cries and they let me hold him for 5 second before they rushed him into NICU... after my son was born I told myself it was completely over and I could never go back to his father because I had to protect my son and raise him right, raise him to know how to love and respect females...

I tried for a little to allow J to stay in my son's life because I thought it was for the best but when I realized he didn't even care about our son and was only coming around to try and win me back I knew it wasn't going to work trying to co-parent eventually I met someone new and to my surprise I ran to him when J tried to go after me when I told him I didn't want to be a family with him (he went after me while I had my son in my arms) the new guy vowed to protect me even if it meant standing in front of my parents’ house while it snowed so J wouldn't show up. Eventually J realized I wasn't going to ever get back with him and told me that the new guy was my son's father now... he tried a couple of times later down the road but because of my son I was strong enough to never go down that road again.

My son saved my life, I feel like if it wasn't for my son I would have ended up in a body bag either by his hands or my own because at that point of my life I really felt like the only way out was death. It's been a little over 5 years and I'm so much stronger and happier... I also know that just because you don't think you'd ever be in an abusive relationship doesn't mean you won’t... I learned that being in one doesn't make you weak or stupid... you're a victim but just know all victims can become survivors.