As I write this blog so many questions run through my head. Will my son ever see the things on the internet about me? Am I a good mom? Do I do enough? Will my son ever go to school without crying? Will my anxiety lesson if he did? How am I going to be able to do everything that needs to get done? How am I going to make it to football on time when it’s physically impossible? Will I ever be able to meet someone without being judged? These are just a few.
As time goes by each day my head is filled with these kinds of questions. I think my biggest fear is my son reading what is online about me, that I tricked his father into having a baby with me when that is the furthest thing from the truth. I should be able to tell my son what happened regarding his father and why he is no longer around, not these fucking false stories about me, committed as acts of revenge. How dare they spread such vicious lies about me and my child all over the internet? THIS IS MY SON!! How the fuck am I supposed to protect my child when the internet itself is protected under so many legal laws. I can’t even get some of these sites removed because they are in other countries. How does someone like myself protect their child from possibly being bullied because of the bullshit online about his mother? I am his only parent. This is the constant battle of anxiety I have day in and day out. It’s like someone tied me up, taped my mouth closed, and said you can’t do anything but watch.
Do you know what it feels like to be completely helpless to protect your child from future harm, all because some asshole decided to lie all over the Web about me? The worst part of it all is that they claimed to be someone else just to cause trouble. That plan did not work because everyone knew who it was from the beginning. But to try and hurt my child, is just wrong. I have already faced the humiliation of it, but to involve my son, who could possibly question his life when he’s old enough to is fucked up, you don’t mess with anyone’s children. I am not afraid of who I am and what I’ve done. Yes my son was conceived through a six-year affair and my son will know that when he’s old enough to understand, but there was NO tricking anyone into getting me pregnant. So once again I am here defending myself because the person who desperately tried to destroy my life and get me to kill myself just would not stop trying to hurt me.
My writing is always brutally honest, I don’t sugarcoat anything and I tell it like it is. I question myself all the time, starting with: am I good mom? Some days I think I am a shit mom and some days I think I am doing amazingly well. Other days I think I am doing the best I can. I am a single mom, there is no dad, no every other weekend, no financial support, no nothing. It’s me and my son 24/7, and my kid can be a dick, he’s growing up and becoming his own person and with that comes the fights between him and I, the battles I have to choose to engage in. He is no longer a toddler who does everything I say. Some days I feel like I am cracking, I will snap at him and then cry later about it. Some days I feel completely run to the ground, some days he makes me so insane that I just want to run out of the house and then I remember I can’t because I have no one there to give me a 5-minute break. Some days I ask God, how will I make it through this day? I work 60 hours a week with travel. I am up at 5:30am and not home for 12 hours. Days when my son has extra activities, I am not home till 9pm. My days are long, I am super busy at work, and then when I pick up my son at 5, my day just gets even busier. Some days I get only 2-3 hours of sleep because I have no time for that during the week. I am tired, physically. I don’t know how I have the energy to function the next day. But I do.
No matter how many times I think my son is being an asshole and the constant fights we have, I know I am doing a great job as a mom, because sometimes with only minutes to spare I still make sure everything he needs is done. People have been telling me for years that I am the strongest person they know – great, thank you. I hear it all the time. But when do I get to not be strong, when do I get to collapse and let out my feelings and hurt? I know just how strong I am, probably a lot stronger than most, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have my weaknesses. When someone tells you just how strong you are, I want people to know that you don’t have to be strong every second of your life. Set an example but have your breakdowns. You’re allowed.
I am happy and I am positive but that doesn’t mean my life is perfect. It doesn’t mean I am floating on rainbows. It just means that I no longer give a shit about anything or anyone that tried to harm my life. I choose to stay positive in almost every situation, but some days I am negative as fuck, and those days I stay away from everyone. That’s how I cope. It’s what works for you. I am nice to those who are nice to me, and I will help anyone who needs it, even if they have wronged me in the past. I believe the good of kindness is what this world needs. I stay away from politics and religion, and I remove myself from anything that may cause a conflict. Life is already hectic, I don’t need to get involved with bullshit. I barely have time to take a piss!