I'd had a train wreck phase in my late teens. Binge drinking, drug usage... I really wasn't proud of myself. When I was 20, I reconnected with an old college friend who used to 'supply'. We got on really well and we ended up in what I can only describe as the most toxic relationship of my life.
We were very similar people. We liked the same music, we both drank and smoked a lot, we lived near each other, and we both had the same bedroom preferences for BDSM... We established safe words... I felt like I could really trust him. And maybe someday we could build a life together.
A few months later, we were in the bedroom together in the middle of a role play scenario. I was enjoying myself to begin with, he had been taking a few videos and photos which I was fine with. After a while, he became violent... Started hitting me and calling me things I wasn't comfortable with. I used our safe words to tell him I was upset and really wanted to sort things. He completely ignored me. He carried on with the scenario, up to and including having sex with me against my will.
I didn't think much of it for a while. After all, who gets raped by a partner really...? It wasn't until a few weeks later when we shared a 'spicy' cigarette that things went wrong again. I felt higher and wobblier than I had ever felt. Maybe I was just tired so I opted to go to bed. I don't remember much of that night. Occasional flashes come back to me, but I felt awful in the morning. I had been raped by a man I loved and trusted again.
I took the slightly sensible option this time... I bought a pregnancy test. That was when he really showed his true colors. I was 5 weeks pregnant. He became distant... I would call and text him to see what his thoughts were. I was ignored and told he was disappointed and upset. That I would have to choose between him or the baby if I wanted to stay.
I chose my son.
Best move I ever made. He stopped contacting me. I never heard from him again. But the nights when he basically stole from me still haunt me. When I found a new partner, it was very difficult to open up to him sexually. When I told him about my experiences, even he called it 'rape'.